Living in a World

Looks can be deceiving

2009-06-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

A beautiful spring day at the park may have started out pleasant, but surely ended on a pinch-ier note. After a couple hours running and climbing high at the Castle Park (a truly magnificent park) Altea eagerly grabbed for a handful of flowers. Being four now, and more aware, this may be the first Spring she's really noticed the beauty in flowers and seems to be looking, poking, picking, and collecting them with every chance she gets. But with this grab, there was more than just a flower in her fist, there was a bee.

I saw the whole event out of the corner of my eye, and being that I've had plenty of bee stings myself, I knew instantly what had happened. Altea and her friend were running along the path, next to a huge bush of purple flowers, the kind the grow in clumps, not individually. She barely stopped running when she reached in to grab a handful. A little bee must have been tucked inside, out of sight. Altea closed her fish around the cluster of flowers and pulled. Instantly she screamed. Realizing the flowers had no thorns, my stomach clenched and my heart sunk deep into my chest. A bee sting. And here we were, at a park. With no first aid kit, or ice, on us. (Score for mom, by the way.)

Now, keep in mind I am pregnant and due in about 3 weeks. I pick up my 4 year old and carried her to the bathroom. I don't know if my brain was impaired by the shock or if these faucets really were clever little bastards, pardon my French, but we could not turn them on! My daughter has a bee sting, right now. I've managed to remove the pincher, but she desperately needs some running water and I cannot get the faucet to run. So I picked her up again and carried her across the park, over the grass, and through the parking lot to my car. I make sure to always keep a case of water bottles in my trunk. This is for emergency drinking needs, but apparently they work great for bee stings too. I opened a bottle, submerged her pinky, and fastened the kids in their carseats.

Once we arrived at her friend's house, we were able to get her littlest finger on ice. Then I nursed her, which calmed her instantly. The power of breastmilk. Again, I really don't understand how parents can choose not to take advantage of this wonderful gift. Nothing seems to calm or nourish them so quickly, as the breast.

At least now when I tell Altea to keep her shoes on, while playing in a field of grass flowers, maybe she'll listen to me. Maybe.

In the meantime, I don't think we'll be singing this childhood favorite, for a long long time.

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee,
Ouch! It stung me! (Spoken)

I'm squishing up the baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm squishing up the baby bumblebee,
Ooh! It's yucky! (Spoken)

I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee,
Now my mommy won't be mad at me!

Mama, Téa, happy girl.

2009-06-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

June has arrived. The weather is warm. And Emma is visiting from Seattle. With her insistence, and later my gratitude, we set off for Altea's ballet class, followed by a photo shoot in the park. I suppose it is critical to record this pregnancy, even if I an horribly uncomfortable and feel the size of a boat.

Here's a few of my favorite shots. Less than one month left! xoxox

does diagnoses equal a cure?

2009-05-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have a little over a month before this child makes it's great escape and my stomach pains have increased tenfold. I can't seem to eat anything without keeling over in pain 20 minutes later. And as a result, I believe I am starting to lose weight. I'm pretty sure this is not OK for third trimester pregnancy.

So after all my googling, I self diagnosed myself with gall bladder issues and presented the idea to my doctor, who agreed I might be on to something. She scheduled me for an ultrasound to look for gallstones and recommended that I extract all fat from my diet. While it feels good to eat again and not feel pain, eating without fat is more difficult than I imagined it would be. I'm eating a lot of raw fruits and vegetables, plain pasta, and non fat dairy. I'm also really starting to crave oil. Badly.

I've searched around and found some herbal remedies that are supposed to relieve gall bladder pain. This flax tea recipe seems to work miracles.

Flax Seed Tea Recipe

Boil 1 Tbsp of organic flax seeds in 2 1/2 cups of water for 5 minutes.
Steep 10 minutes.
Strain and sip slowly.

I can actually eat a bit of fat, along with this tea, and minimize the pain. Oddly enough, salmon also does not seem to bother me, even though it is high in fat. I have not been able to figure that mystery out. Guacamole and chips, by the way, seem to be deathly.

I am hoping *wishing* with all my heart that I do not have gallstones and do not need some sort of surgery after this baby is born. Of course it would also be nice to find something at the ultrasound which proves I'm not crazy, because sometimes I feel like this is all in my head, even though the pain feels so real.

showered with love and well wishes

2009-05-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was blessed with a beautiful baby shower, hosted and organized by my good friend Kerri. The weather was warm and sunny and it couldn't have been more perfect. There was a fruit bouquet sent by my other friend Carrie, who lives in North Carolina, and a chocolate fountain brought by my mom. The decor was absolutely stunning with red Gerber daisies and giant strawberries. It really looked almost too romantic for a baby shower, which made it perfect in so many ways.

Thank you everyone who came to celebrate this pregnancy with me. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. And thank you Kerri, for the pictures of the shower girls and my belly, which is also holding a very special little girl.

All stacked up.

2009-05-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

Altea has this game where she takes all the pillows off the couch and makes a pathway throughout the living room and hallway and leaps from one to the other. Sounds great to be four, huh? Well, I wasn't feeling to motivated to clean up the mess today, so I told her in advance, "If you take the pillows off the couch, YOU need to put them back yourself." This may seem like an unreasonable task for a four year old. I agree. But she assured me she could and would put them back.

I was in the kitchen while she "cleaned up". Then Mike and her went to the bedroom to start bedtime activities. Here is what I found waiting for me in the living room.

Beaming with pride and stifled giggles, I couldn't help but snap a picture.

what ails me?

2009-05-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

I think I might have an ulcer. Or a gluten intolerance. But geesuz this is all sorts of painful.

Extreme stomach discomfort this pregnancy has left me google hopping from one malady to another. One of my most prominent ideas right now is that I may have a gluten or a dairy intolerance. It's interesting that I am speculating this now, since I have a vague memory of being diagnosed with a wheat and dairy sensitivity as a child. I called my mom to confirm, and of course she can't remember, even though we both agree that she took me off milk when I was 7. Sooooo this leaves me to do my own investigative work.

The obvious thing to do, would be to remove these foods from my diet. But I am pregnant and the last thing a pregnant girl wants to do is take away bread and ice cream. Really? Instead, I just keep complaining about my constant discomfort and reading about what I should not be eating, on the internet.

My recent discovery of the blood type diet has my head spinning. I have an O+ blood type. This diet states very clearly that all the foods I presumed were giving me problems are on the forbidden list! Blood type O was the first human blood type, so it's genetic makeup is designed to be a hunter/gatherer. According to the theory, those who still have this blood type today should be eating a strict diet containing mostly of meat, vegetables, and fruits, with limited grains, legumes, and dairy. I'm truly baffled. I want to test this out, badly. If only I can find a way to not eat more meat and still consume cheese.

8 months today and still growing.

PS: WebMD is a very dangerous place for a pregnant girl to be searching "stomach pain".

a Com.

2009-04-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

At four years, she already has it figured out.

"Does it have an online about this? I think everything has an online. It means that you can go to a com or something and read about it."

a little monkey business

2009-04-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

In lieu of this book, Caps For Sale, Lisa had all the kids bring their favorite hats to school and together they engaged in role playing games and a photo shoot. I received these a few days later.

I have a butternut squash in my belly!

2009-04-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

I do so little and seriously overdo it. Why does pregnancy have to suck like this? It doesn't seem like it would make a lot of evolutionary sense to cause the woman protecting the womb to be so disabled. Just a thought anyway.

I walked into my weekly appointment a few days ago and the nurse said, "Welcome to the third trimester." Am I here already? It's hard to imagine how much worse, and by worse I mean uncomfortable, it's going to get. On top of these horrendous stomach pains, recent back pains, and newly acquired restless leg syndrome, I'm sure a whole new level of discomfort is about to be dropped on me.

I just hope these last few months fly by at rapid speed.

Sexy carrot legs makes for a tasty dinner

2009-04-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

"E.T. phone home"

2009-04-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

I won't be giving this little one Reese's Pieces just yet. Heck, even Altea is still deprived of such luxuries. But one day, it may just be what is needed. Haha.

Here she is, third trimester photo shoot, and looking more alien like than ever.

the makings of a french ballerina

2009-03-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

Many months ago, Téa began to ask to take classes. We've been slow to board the "activities" train because Mike and I are both strongly against over scheduling. And with Sweet Peas, regular playdates, my babysitting, and other various activities that always seem to come up, we already have a full schedule. But she is four now, and has reached an age where we believe these classes may be beneficial. We've been discussing her options for months and she has narrowed down her interests to French, Ballet, and Martial Arts.

About a month ago a friend of mine sent out an email to our AP parenting group and mentioned that she was trying to set up a private French class for her daughter and others. Her daughter is a good friend of Téa's so I immediately emailed her back and agreed. Starting in March, Téa, Soleil, and Freya began a two hour weekly French class with an amazing teacher. The first day I had planned to stay with her and check it out. We were the first to arrive, so I introduced myself to Nathalie, her teacher, and began explaining to her that Téa was slow to warm and would probably not talk to her for a little while and would like me to stay. As I spoke, Téa interrupted me and told me to leave. She said she was fine and wanted me to go. I still planned on staying, but over the next 15 minutes she urgently pointed to the door and insisted that I go. So I went. I went all the way to Peet's and enjoyed myself a nice cuppa tea. Is this girl ready for classes? I believe so.

Well, here we are, one month later, and signed up for a ballet class. I decided to start at the local rec center since it was inexpensive and for a short duration. The first day went ok. I was disappointed that the teacher failed to introduce herself to the students and none of the kids knew each other's names. This was very problematic for Téa as knowing a person's name is a key base for building trust. Her, and I, were not interested in letting me leave. And I plan to stay for a while at this one. I just wish the seats were more comfortable.

It's so cute to see how attentive she is in class. Most of the girls are timid, but Téa has much to say and offers a lot of feedback to the teacher. I loved to watch her spunky attitude and confidence displayed in a room full of strangers. Here are some pics I shot of her first day in Ballet and at the park afterward.

Conversation

2009-03-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

Altea: What animal is beef from?

Me: Beef is from a cow.

Altea: Oh, I thought a cow was pork.

Me: No, pork is from a pig.

Altea: Oh, then what is human meat called?

Me: We don't eat humans.

Altea: Why?

And that is how we started our conversation on cannibalism, which has continued to many conversations on cannibalism.

Birthday Bash!

2009-03-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

Batta batta batta batta batta batta SWING!

And she whacked that piñata right down to the ground!

a mission for excellence

2009-03-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

The Omnivore's Dilemma has quickly become one of the most informative and intriguing books I have ever read. Michael Pollen takes his reader with him through his search for the origins of all the food he sees on his kitchen table. He discusses how prominent corn is in our diet, GMOs, and artificial fertilizers. He researches the cattle industry and feed farms and even purchases a steer to follow it from birth, through it's time at the feedlot, and all the way until it enters the slaughterhouse, where they close the doors and forbid Pollen from viewing. He covers the organic industry and discusses the difference between the original grassroots efforts and the now multimillion dollar organic companies, who's policies are not that much different than their mainstream partners. He spent a week living on a farm whose philosophy revered themselves as grass farmers. After following a farming practice that mimicked the organic life cycle, as closely as possible, he decided in order to make his research complete, he must hunt and forage an entire meal, himself.

Condensed with information, this book took me months to read, but I can't think of much that's more important than learning where the food that fuels our bodies comes from. My favorite part was the chapter on Joel Salatin's Farm, Polyface, Inc.. I learned in great detail, the health benefits of grass fed beef and chickens whose diets were rich in fresh grass and insects. His process of rotating the animals on a rigorous schedule that mimics the way they run from predators in the wild, allows the grass to grow to optimal levels and prevents the animals from eating their own fecal matter. This makes for happy, healthy, and nutritionally rich animals.

I made the decision to stop eating red meat about 6 years ago. I've never really liked the taste of beef and hearing claims of saturated fat and heart disease, I really thought that avoiding it would be best. After reading The Omnivore's Dilemma and hearing about Salatin's Farm I decided that reincorporating grass fed beef, that is low in saturated fats and high in Omega 3's, would actually be a smart dietary choice. After spending a Saturday afternoon researching local farms, I found a farm nearby, Marin Sun Farms, who follows Joel Salatin's principles. They sold their meat at the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market in San Francisico. I called up Tanicia, and made plans to take Muni to the Ferry Plaza, in search for a couple steaks. The two of us were quite a scene at the beef stand, having no prior experience in steak purchasing. We asked lots of questions, didn't get very many answers, and settled on two top sirloin cuts.

The very next night, Mike cooked them up, along with potatoes and asparagus, and we had what I'd set out for, a guilt free meal of organic grass fed beef. I don't know about a taste difference since it's been years since I'd sampled a steak, but I'd say it was pretty tasty.

Face painting: Meow!

2009-03-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

Today was my very last day being caregiver! And as much as I enjoyed getting to know all the families and children in our group so intimately, I am very very happy to finally be able to spend some time alone. Altea and I need the time. I need the time. Next week, I'll be able to drop her off and go. And I haven't been able to do that since August!!!

Altea, Sebastion, Tamara, and Tobias all wanted to be kitties for face painting.

a peek inside

2009-03-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Copy this note, ask your child the questions and write them down exactly how they respond. Tag me back if you haven't done this, I'd love to hear the answers!!

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "Let's go!"

2. What makes mommy happy? "nursing her child"

3. What makes mommy sad? "without daddy"

4. How does your mommy make you laugh? "tickles me"

5. What was your mommy like as a child? "umm.. small"

6. How old is your mommy? "20"

7. How tall is your mommy? "22"

8. What is her favorite thing to do? "cook"

9. What does your mommy do when your not around? "clean the dishes"

10. If your mommy becomes famous what will it be for? "watching America's Test Kitchen"

11. What is your mommy really good at? "taking care of me"

12. What is your mom not very good at? "helping daddy shave"

13. What does your mommy do for her job? "babysit and be a teacher"

14. What is your mommy favorite food? "broccoli"

15. What makes you proud of your mommy? "I love her"

16. If your mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be? "a pirate mama"

17. What do you and your mommy do together? "go to sleep"

18. How are you and your mommy the same? "we have one nose"

19. How are you and your mommy different? "we have a different hairstyle"

20. How do you know mommy loves you? "because I love her"

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "library"

Answers by Altea, 4 years and 3 months.

She's a beauty.

2009-02-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try really hard to not be too sappy here. If there is one thing that irritates me, it's being overly sentimental about pregnancy, dreaming about plump round bellies and perfect little angelic babies. But to be honest, this pregnancy has been shadowed by a gray cloud of doom that I had hoped would go away by the end of the first trimester. I have this fear that I just can't shake. Pair that with being too busy to cater to my physical needs and too focused on Altea to work through this process, I feel a little depressed.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I looked up at the screen at the ultrasound today and saw this..... a beautiful, perfect, heart beating, baby GIRL. My chest was filled with warmth as I saw my baby looking so healthy. And I felt a sense of calm sweep over me. And for the first time, in five months, I truly felt pregnant.. and in love.

I'm keeping a tight hold on this one.

2009-02-09T17:52:00.001-08:00

I'm so happy that I'm laughing out loud. And now I'm crying. With tears. Gosh, pregnancy really sucks sometimes. Emotional landslide this was.

Saturday morning I was overcome with the desire to write. I eagerly opened my blog only to find that it had been disabled. Puzzled, I read on. It was accused of being a SpamBlog by one of Blogger's automatic trackers and then shut down. I checked my livinginaworld@gmail.com account that I use for this blog only, and there it is, my official email dated Dec 28, 2008. Big bold print, "Click on this link within 20 days or your account will be deleted!" It had already been nearly 40 days. Panic overcame me.

I waited anxiously all weekend, while continuing to click on the above mentioned link. This evening, when I saw the issue still had not been resolved. I clicked on the link again. Nothing.

I was venting to Mike, who suggested I keep clicking... at least 100-150 times he said. So I did. Not THAT many, but one more time. And there it was. Instead of the message I had been seeing all these days, "Your blog has been disabled", the link opened my blog!

!!!!

Then I started to cry.

If only I could reach into my computer, wrap my arms around my blog, and give it a tight squeeze.

For now I'll just sit here with tear stains on my cheeks.

inquisitive minds

2009-02-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

I remember very clearly the first time I uttered the words, "He passed away" to Altea. It was last May and we were in LA visiting my Grandma. As we were driving I hear from the backseat, "Does Grandma have a boyfriend?" Well, my Grandma divorced many years ago, and my Grandpa died a few less many years go. So I had to very quickly decide, do I introduce the topic of divorce or death to my three year old? I chose death (don't ask why... I will never know).

"He passed away," I said.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Well, he's no longer alive," I explained.

She stopped and thought about this for a long time. After a few more minutes, and a few more questions, she said, "OK" and it was OK. No tears. Just a simple understanding.

Over the last few months there have been a lot more questions about death. She understands that everything ages and must die, and has asked questions about birth, rebirth, the afterlife, war, etc. She takes the topic very seriously and has still never shed a tear.

A few weeks ago, Mike, Altea, and I were eating dinner. All of a sudden she asked us what would happen to her if we died. There are lots of ways to interpret this question, but we assumed that she meant, "Would she be cared for?", so we told her that someone we trust would take care of her. Then she asked about us and Mike told her that we would always be with her. Always. Then she gave us the funniest look of discontentment that I had ever seen. Mike and I quickly looked at each other; this was not soothing her. I remained in a state of confusion, while Mike jumped in and said, "It's OK sweetie. We won't be with you if you don't want us to." I bit my tongue. This very serious moment was serious for very unexpected reasons and stifling my laugh became harder to do. She was worried she wouldn't be able to get away from us. That we might bother her. Oh man...

We were walking out to the car today after school, when Altea asked me, "What happens to us after we die?"

"Well," I say, "Different cultures do different things with our bodies. Some bury them and others burn them depending on different traditions and legends. Sometimes our ashes are stored in a safe place while others are spread over land to go back into the Earth." Then I went on to talk about our souls, although that topic is one that is a lot harder for me to explain to her.

She was very curious about our bodies and proceeded to ask more questions. Before I new it, I was telling her that I preferred to be buried when I died. She paused a moment, thought a bit, and said, "Can be buried next to you?"

I told her, "Of course you can. And we can bury Daddy with us too."

She smiled. And I just thought to myself, "Did I just tell my 4 year old that I would prefer to be buried????" These questions often lead me to places I never intend to go.

Pregnancy brain?

2009-02-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

Mike and I's 30th Birthday Bash has been postponed and downgraded twice more. By this point we were just thankful to even see our friends (ok, one friend: Tanicia) at all, even if it meant just a night at home cooking dinner. As usual the day was a little chaotic for me. I worked four hours that morning and then headed to the grocery store for dinner ingredients. I was making homemade pizza, a salad, and a key lime pie for dessert. I needed to get home in time to let the dough rise, make the pie, and clean my house. Evening had arrived and everything was going according to plan until I noticed that I was missing the cheese I bought that afternoon. I double checked the fridge and a few other random places that things accidentally get stashed in when my mind is distracted: the cupboard, freezer, microwave. ;) After confirming the purchase was on my receipt, I assumed that the cheese must have been left at the register. I decided to call Tanicia and ask her to stop by Trader Joe's on her way over to buy more cheese. After giving her directions, I went back to my cleaning.

Some amount of time went by. Too much time. So I called her back to see how she was doing. She was lost. I had not given her one misdirection, but two, and she was now in a completely different neighborhood. I straightened her out and got off the phone. It was then that I noticed my lettuce was missing. So I looked some more, and a few other ingredients were missing! A whole bag's worth of ingredients. So I called Trader Joe's and sure enough, I left an entire shopping bag at the register. Unfortunately the Trader Joe's that I shopped at that afternoon was a different one than I was sending Tanicia to, so I quickly called Mike to see if he could stop by on his way home to pick up my missing bag. He answered the phone, on the stairs in our building. He was home. Ugh.

So, I call Tanicia to tell her to forget about the cheese, since I planned to send Mike back to the store. She was in the cheese aisle when I called her. So much wasted time. Eventually she arrived and Mike returned home and I finished dinner, which was very tasty!

We got Altea to bed and were deep in conversation when I remembered that we had a delicious key lime pie in the fridge. I went into the kitchen to finish putting the topping on, when I noticed the pie was extremely liquidy. Too liquidy. So I tilted my head and furrowed my eyebrows a minute. "Shit!" was what I yelled as I realized that I forgot to put the pie in the oven. I forgot to bake the pie! (This was a key lime pie which requires 15 minutes of baking and two plus hours of chilling, and I had made this pie in the heat of my cooking dinner... just looking for excuses at this point.) So no pie. Unless everyone wanted raw egg and lime juice, I really had nothing to offer, so I threw it out.

If only I was allowed to open a bottle of wine and get crunk. If only I didn't have such pregnancy brain.

The first time I heard the term 'pregnancy brain' it was 2004 and I was walking into Coachella with my friend, Suzanne. I had forgot something in my car, so we had to turn back. As we were heading in again, I realized that I forgot my camera. We decided to leave it (which has since become a regretted decision) as she referred to my memory troubles as 'pregnancy brain' which I found slightly ridiculous. I figured it was just an honest mistake. And Coachella 2008 clearly proves that my mental state while traveling is majorly compromised, at least in the memory department.

But in this pregnancy, I am not so confident the term is a myth. I seem to be running on half brain all the time... and this night was clearly no exception.

Mike, challenging Téa's reading skillz

2009-01-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

Téa reading, "Sayings and Tales of Zen Buddhism".

Spring into January

2009-01-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

We've been having an unusually warm January this year. Here's Téa and Maya wearing shorts and a tank top, enjoying chocolate milk from Starbucks, after a day spent at the park.

We often head to Starbucks after the park for a warmer (or cooler) place to reside after being out in the elements. The girl's growing independent spirits really shine as they always insist on sitting at their own table. This also gives them an opportunity to share their lunch or snacks with each other and us adults a chance to talk... ok, and take pictures. ;)

moving forward

2009-01-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

I remember very clearly the moment I realized I was pregnant with Téa. And I remember how real and present it felt. I was so overcome with the awe of life growing inside me, that any advice to amplify this experience seemed trivial to me. I knew she was healthy.

Things are really different this time around. I first thought that my life was too busy to give my womb the same amount of attention that Téa got when she was inside. But then Mike asked me if maybe I was putting my feelings on reserve in reaction to the miscarriage I had last winter. This seemed absurd to me; I was OK, but after sitting with that question, I began to doubt, even myself. The way I was able to handle the reality of the miscarriage was believing that I was not the problem; the baby was not well, something was wrong, and this was nature's way of correcting that problem. I knew I could carry a child. I had done it before. I would do it again. But this pregnancy has been difficult and these feelings of 'something is wrong' are vivid. I have been feeling a lot of pains and discomforts, so instead of feeling excitement and joy, I am very ambivalent to feel anything at all. I realize I am terrified that something is wrong. And I am completely without control.

I had a busy day yesterday; I worked at Téa's school during the day and then we hit the mall looking for a winter jacket for me. I've endured so much cold awaiting these January sales. I found a wonderful jacket and impressed with my purchase, came home in a cheerful, exhausted mood. I spent most of the evening relaxing on the couch. I even took a short nap.

Late last night, (around midnight) as Mike and I were lounging around, I started to feel piercing pains down near my pelvic bone again. These have become pretty standard after any sort of exercise, and even though I had been sitting for many hours by now, I suppose my body was catching up from the busy day. But then they started to move up towards the middle of my belly. And soon the pains were less intense and more contraction feeling. They were happening every couple of minutes, so I decided to call the advice nurse. By then, it was about 2am.

When the advice nurse asked me if I could walk, I said I was unsure since I hadn't tried, but when I tried to get up, the pains increased a lot, so I didn't feel comfortable pushing it. She said that if I don't walk, she will need to send an ambulance. She also wanted me to check and see if I was bleeding, so I put her on hold and forced myself up to the bathroom. I went pee and saw no bleeding. When I came back to tell her this along with the news that the short walk to the bathroom seemed to lessen the pain, she didn't seem pleased. In fact, she insisted that I go to the emergency room right now and if I didn't agree, she would send an ambulance for me. I had no intention of going. I was only calling for advice. I tried to thank her for the advice, but soon she was yelling at me, trying to convince me how serious the situation was.

I could feel the pains lessening now. The whole conversation was really ridiculous. I knew she was concerned, but she was interrupting me and not listening to me explain myself. She was pretty intent to believe that I was either having a miscarriage, which my Dr had already OKed that I could have at home, a bladder infection, which I knew this was not as I have had many, or appendicitis, but my pains were no where near my right side. I was having trouble believing the severity of this situation, so I made a verbal statement that I understood what she was saying and that I would not be going to the emergency room, and then I went to bed.

The pains progressed all night but lessened in the morning. And even though I had made it into my second trimester, I was pretty confident that this was the beginning of the end. I canceled my job the next morning, scheduled a Dr's appointment for that afternoon, and rested all day. When I saw the Dr, she looked at my cervix and everything seemed to be in perfect condition. She seemed very puzzled that I was experiencing any pain at all and seemed mildly unconcerned.

More mystery news. More questions. More uneasiness.

MGMT - Kids

2009-01-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

I just discovered this treasure and have fallen into a silly kind of love.

The video is a bit intense. Whenever I hear this song I picture lots of people skipping through the park and doing cartwheels. It always brings a really cheesy smile to my face and right now, this is really needed.

Coming Home!

2009-01-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

As much as we wanted to stay, and I really wanted to stay, Téa wanted to come home and the mother in me really wanted to appease her. This vacation was so completely relaxing and all I had to look forward to was at least a month of work in an environment that currently felt stressful.

It took me a few hours to launder, fold, and pack our clothes and clean up the room we had spent the last 10 days in. I sent Téa out with Mike so I could work faster. This was good for me, but caused her even more stress. I think she had reached her limit and really wanted to come home.

Our return airport experience went a lot smoother than our arrival. Here are some shots I grabbed while we were boarding the plane. Aren't they cute? (My family, not my photography.)

Science!

2009-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

Family photos from the Butterfly Exhibit inside the Pacific Science Center. Great place. We didn't spend nearly as much time there as we should have. I am looking forward to going back.

Vivo Per Lei!

2009-01-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

And now for our New Years Eve performance, brought to you by:

Andrea Bocelli and Helene Segara on vocals.
Brandt Dye, Emily B, and Téa B as lip syncers.
And Mike B as photographer.

And now some video:

New Years in Seattle!

2009-01-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Tension was getting a little high in the house. We all had our own things going on, so I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but listening to the constant family debates, Mike and I going a week without one private conversation or minute alone together, and trying to reassure Téa while she was feeling homesick, really added some stress to my vacation.

We spent New Years Eve in Seattle and all of us were snappy and barely talking to each other. The dismal gray lighting accurately reflects the moods we were feeling that day, which I suppose is a success.

We came home exhausted. Emma gave Téa a much needed bath which allowed Mike and I time for a much needed conversation. I yelled, I cried, we talked, we hugged, and we both felt so much better. Then we went downstairs for some New Years Eve fondue which is quickly becoming a tradition.

Baby Lemon

2008-12-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

First shot of my training belly taken by Emma.

Christmas in Seattle!

2008-12-30T21:51:00.000-08:00

Emma and Brandt, who have relocated in Seattle, invited us up for Christmas. We weren't sure what they meant by that, and were unreachable in Europe when we bought out plane tickets, so we took a chance and booked a flight for 10 days. This is our longest vacation together and we were both really looking forward to the rest. We decided to fly out on Christmas Eve in order to avoid the holiday rush and it turned out to be an excellent decision as a HUGE snowstorm had the SeaTac Airport closed and snowed-in the previous weekend. They reopened all the flights on the 24th.

Téa and I were still sick, but on our way to recovery. She was doing a little worse than me since I had been taking zinc religiously since first sign of cold. I flew once while congested and had a sinus headache for at least a week from it. Now I am terrified for myself and Téa whenever a cold/flight combination arises, which seems to happen nearly every time!

We packed up our clothes, toiletries, and presents for our winter excursion and arrived at the airport with three people, one belly, and nine bags. Whatever happened to traveling light? All was well, except that on our way to the airoport I remembered that I forgot my phone charger and left the heater on, which we had just cranked up in order to speed up the air drying our clothes. Oops!

Mike was amazing as he remained calm and steady while frantically trying to keep our gear in order. As we approached the security gates, I was tending to Téa's and my shoes, taking off my belt, folding the stroller, unloading my laptop, separating our liquids from solids, which I forgot to do previously, and placing our bags into separate compartments. This is when I realized that our water bottles were filled with water. I had forgotten to empty them! I was looking around frantically for a garbage can when the TSA lady asked me what I was doing. I explained that forgot to pour my water out when she asked me for the bottles. I handed them over to her and she took them into a back room. Great. They also took my unopened cottage cheese, which I was planning to eat for breakfast. Who knew cottage cheese was a liquid?

In the back room, they told me that Téa's water was ok since she was a child, but they would need to throw mine out. I was laughing as I was fine with that; I just wanted to catch my flight, when I dropped that I was pregnant. She looked at me and said, "Oh, all I needed was an excuse to keep your water too. And you have one! Have a great day!" And there we were, walking through airline security with two full water bottles. We were late, but we did save a couple dollars on a new bottle.

Once we were in Seattle, life really calmed down. Besides a few trips out of the house, most of the 10 days was spent lounging on the couch. The following morning was Christmas and we were greeted with fresh snowfall. We stayed indoors all day though, as we lacked proper snowgear and we were all still sick: presents in the morning, nap in the afternoon, and a wonderful holiday meal in the evening. Look, I got a new camera, but was feeling too lazy to take many pictures. :)

I think we slept until the 28th, which was Mike's birthday. For dinner we went to the Fall City Roadhouse, where Emma is a server. The food was good and we were seriously hooked up with some manager specials. Thank you Emma!!!! Happy Birthday Mike!

A few days later we traveled to the Snoqualmie Falls. It was sooooooo cold!!! I think we spent a matter of five minutes looking at the falls and another 30 inside the warm and toasty gift shop. Téa had a lot of fun playing dress ups. ;)

Illness strikes us again.

2008-12-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to make a big deal of this. In fact, I'd rather just pretend it never happened at all, but I guess there's no getting around the truth sometimes. Kristina (and Mike!) are turning 30 this month. We had talked about throwing ourselves a party, but the energy it takes to do that seems excruciatingly exhausting right now and that would mean placing more attention on this age matter. So we discussed our options for a celebration and decided to call my sister in for her babysitting services and go dancing. But I'm having these weird stomach pains, so we canceled the night o' clubbing and opted for a new plan; keep the sitter and go out to a really really fancy dinner. Maybe a restaurant so fancy, they prohibit childr
en. Sounds like fun, yes? After asking around for referrals and reviewing a large selection of restaurants, we chose Circolo. We will be going with a close friend and her boyfriend: an intimate group.

Well, the weekend arrived and I got a phone call from my sister. She was ill. Dinner canceled. No problem, I thought, we'll reschedule. But then Tuesday came, and Téa fell ill. And now it's Friday, the night of dinner, and she is still ill.

This 30th is starting to look pretty grim, and I lack the energy to even care. Right now, just a full night's sleep would be a wonderful birthday present.

4 days 'til we leave for Seattle!!

This baby forbids dancing!

2008-12-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

I've always heard that every pregnancy is different. But wow, I never thought they would be THIS different. I figured it was MY body carrying this child and my body couldn't change that much between kids. I think I was wrong. I have been having morning sickness and nausea with this one, that I never had with Téa. I have been feeling sharp stomach pains down near my pelvic bone that seem to be triggered by exercise: walking, dancing, vacuuming, laundry, etc. With Téa, I went out dancing regularly until I was 6 months pregnant. Actually what really irritates my stomach, is picking up the house. I can tell already that I am carrying this baby a lot lower than Téa, and the constant bending over to tend to various tasks causes my uterus to wig out. I feel like I'm on miscarriage watch. My hyper sensitivity is probably in reaction to last time, which hasn't made these differences any easier to process.

I've seen the Dr a few times now and had an ultra sound, which looked perfect. Even though I have been feeling the tension of the unknown, my Dr seems very confident that everything is OK, and I'm left trying to find relief in that.

On a happier note, we told Téa last week. I figured that since word made it's way out, even though we are still in the first trimester, she should know. She's very very excited and happily announced that she would like a baby brother. When we asked her why, she told us that she wants to marry him! Ha! Love it.

Téa and I have been looking up the size each week to see how big the baby in the belly is. This week we have Baby Fig!

secrets unfolded

2008-12-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Being that we were keeping this pregnancy on the DL for as long as possible, it's been difficult to blog about anything personal these last few weeks. It seems that every action I take is affected by emotions and physical sensations that are pregnancy related. And quite honestly, I've been feeling pretty crappy.

Sometime in mid October, shortly after conception, I suffered from some pretty intense stomach pains. I've been having digestive problems since my teenage years, but it seems that they are getting progressively worse as I get older. I am terrified that I have gluten or dairy sensitivities, or something else, but these two would be especially bad as I LOVE bread and cheese more than anything. It is from this fear that I have not been tested or tried an elimination diet. Bad, I know. Anyways, I was in bed for a few days in Oct, unable to move, from pain. And had continued tension for a few weeks after that. I incorporated supplements of papaya seed extract and apple cider vinegar to my daily regime and found great success.

During this period in Oct, I also noticed that I was suffering from fatigue. I had been babysitting nearly 7 days a week since July, so the need to sleep didn't seem too alarming. Paired with the ongoing stomach problems, I just thought maybe there was a disease involved. Ok, I was starting to get a little worried and was suspecting stomach cancer. No big deal. But did I make a Dr's appointment? No, I just kept on working. That's because I'm a soldier. Ha! (Hugs for Mike for listening to my constant complaints that month.)

So how is this all related to pregnancy, besides the obvious sickness? Let me start with a little history. As many of you know, I got pregnant with Téa on the birth control pill. I got pregnant last winter on the birth control pill. So, when my Dr went to write me a prescription for birth control, she suggested the NuvaRing. Basically, it works like this. There is no pill. You insert this little ring into the vagina one week after the start of your period, and keep it in for 3 weeks. Take it out after three weeks and have a period. No pills to miss. Sounded great! Now, let me bring you back to our current state. Due to my supreme fertility and Mike's super active sperm, we ended up pregnant on this ring. No idea how this happened. Pair that with my fatigue and illness, I forgot to take the ring out for two weeks after the day I was due to. Soooo... I was actually 6 weeks pregnant when I found out, instead of 4. And most of this illness was due to morning sickness. Basically the news sunk in like this. "Yes!! No stomach cancer! Whoa. I'm pregnant."

We were already planning to "try" this winter to get pregnant. So we just got a head start is all. The downside is that we had to cancel our trip to Europe. Traveling in my 3rd trimester was not a way I wanted to spend 6,000 hard earned dollars.

So here I am, in December, still working and still sick and still tired. I never had morning sickness with Téa. This neausea and the relief of constant food input is something new to me. All I can say is that I am really really looking forward to our two week holiday vacation coming up.

I have a baby in my belly!

2008-12-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

10 weeks actually. Who manages to wait three months to tell anyone? I mean, really. I feel like shit and tired. And moody. And sick. And hungry. And tired. People have been asking me if I am diseased or have seen a Dr. or have been tested for food allergies. Not telling seems a bit dishonest to me.

Way to justify my big mouth, huh? But really. It was hard!

my lips are sealed

2008-12-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Get a few virgin cocktails in me and I just can't seem to hold back my tongue. See, Mike and I have this BIG news that we are trying so hard to hold off telling people about, but I just insisted on letting it out Thanksgiving night after dinner. And I also told a few people the week before that at Téa's birthday party. And I dropped a few 'not so subtle' hints a week before that at Sweet Peas. Finally I said, "Can I just tell my mom?" and Mike agreed, so now one side of the family knows. It's still not time to tell and I IMed Emma and told her. Oh boy, now both sides know. I am sure that I have left people out and I am not sure when the sharing of news really happened, but ok, I'll let you in on the secret too.......

Or maybe I won't. I need to believe I have a little self control.

So many leftovers to be thankful for!

2008-11-28T18:10:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was short and sweet, small and cozy, and filled with leftovers this year. Why? We lost Em and Brandt to the Northern Coast. Even with the extra food, I can't say I didn't miss them.

Imagine it. Cranberry fennel sauce. Wild mushroom stuffing. Roasted asparagus. Moist turkey breast. And coming from someone who normally eats her mashed potatoes plain, the most flavorful turkey gravy she has ever tasted. I had three servings. Wow. Mike proved himself again. And we all can't wait until Halfsgiving.

Cheers!

My Pirate Beauty

2008-11-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

Ahoy, me Hearties!
We send ye a message from deep sea.
Our lass here is turning the ripe old age of four and would like ye to join us for a party.
Heave Ho! Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen.
Buccaneers, lads, and lassies, come hunt for me treasure, swab the deck, or walk the plank. Don't hornswaggle, come to me ship to celebrate.
Rum for the Old Salts. Grub for the lads.
Yo ho ho!! Cake for all!

Here's a clip from Altea's 4th birthday party invitation. I wrote it myself and giving you my proudest look right now. If I recall correctly, it took me about 2 hours to compose; learning Pirate is like learning a whole new language.

Altea didn't start off wanting a pirate party. Throughout the year she bounced from a Farm Animal Birthday to a Goat Party (my fav, really) and ended up at Pirate. I think her Halloween costume influenced this decision greatly.

As soon as I got confirmation, I jumped into party planning mode. I really wanted to hang an enormous fishnet from my ceiling and throw around rubber fish, crabs, and lobsters. I envisioned piles and piles of plastic jewels (and real jewels too!), silver necklaces, and gold coins; every child with an eye patch and sword. I would hang signs over doorways saying "Scullery" and "Poop Deck". Oh the dreams I had. What I settled for was a cut out of a giant anchor (that I drew on construction paper) that we taped to the wall, a pirate flag that we bought (love after Halloween sales), and lots of red streamers (that my sister hung together with white - a little too Valentine's for me). But well, that's how these parties often go.

My energy levels have plummeted lately. I've been working nearly 7 days a week since July now and not getting nearly enough sleep as needed. Between organizing games, food, and cakes to meet needs of various allergies (peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, and dairy), the decoration priority got pushed aside.

I think Altea had a good time. The day was a little hectic for me (as some things turned out bad - check out my dairy free frosting in the pic - Ewwww!) and my mind was elsewhere. I think the nicest part of the day was after all but the regulars left and I felt comfortable to pass out on the couch. I'd like to think that next year would be better, but with a Thanksgiving birthday, she might be forever doomed to chaos.

*If your looking for that perfect girl pirate role model for your sweetest little girl, here is the book for you.. Pirate Girl by Cornelia Funk. There's no reason all these adventure seekers need to be boys!

From 52 to 48 with LOVE.

2008-11-09T23:38:00.001-08:00

It's a beautiful thing. <3

Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeen........

2008-11-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

There's no denying it, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays: the costumes, the pumpkins, the spookiness. And Altea is right on board with me. For as fearful as she is, she announced last year, right after Halloween '07 that she wanted to scaaaaaaaaare all the children next year. I said, "Really???" and she assured me, "Yes." She wanted to be a witch or a wizard most of the year, but changed her mind a few weeks ago, as I was buying her costume, that she wanted to be a pirate. So, a pirate she turned out to be! She put a picture of a pirate on our front door, to let all our neighbors know that a very scary pirate lives here. Look at her. Doesn't she look dreadful? "Avast!"

The plan was to go trick-or-treating, but anyone who knows me is probably thinking, "how will you take YOUR daughter trick or treating when you won't even give her a piece of candy?" Let me tell you how.

It all started when a few weeks back, Altea asked me why we don't shop at Safeway. I took the opportunity to explain the difference between processed foods and whole foods. ("Hey that's the name of the grocery store we shop at!!" she said. Right again Altea.) We talked about chemicals in processed foods that take away the flavor and the nutrients and how Daddy and I like our food to taste good, fresh, and keep our bodies healthy and strong. I took the opportunity to jump over to candy, knowing that Halloween was approaching. So we continued to talk about bad candy and good treats.

She's obsessed with monsters right now. She's the Sidey Monster that drinks milk. She's the Dinner Monster that eats dinner. We are the Monsters until she decides she is too scared for that game. Ha! So my brain spontaneously invented the Candy Monster that will eat all the bad candy and poop out good treats! She LOVED this. And being that we are not enforcers of the Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy myth, I needed to watch my words very carefully. So we started with imagination and ended with honesty.

"Where will it come from?"

"I will build it."

"What will it look like?"

"You will see it on Halloween night."

"Where will the good treats come from?"

"They will come from Daddy and I and be given to you through the Candy Monster."

Her imagination went from there. I cannot describe in words, how excited this girl was.

Sooooooo on Oct 30, because I will always be a procrastinator at heart, Altea and I set out to build the Candy Monster together (a slight change of plans.) And here is what we invented!

Brilliant, yes? Time for Trick-or-Treating!

"Ok Altea, do you even know what trick or treating is?"

"No"

"Let me tell you. It's a really weird game where you will walk up to a person's front door and knock. Daddy and I will be with you, holding your hand if you'd like us to. A stranger will answer the door and you say 'Trick or Treat!' Then they will say all sorts of things to you that you're going to haaaaate, like 'Oh aren't you a cute thing' and 'Hello sweetie' and 'Hi princess' and all you have to do is hold out your bag like this and then they will give you candy. You won't have to say anything else if you don't want to. Pretty strange, yes?"

"Yes!" With the emphasis on hate, Altea started laughing really hard.

While we were out, she only cried once, when there was an especially spooky house with a strobe light, recorded screaming, and a Jason character roaming the front yard. I might have cried too, had there not been a three year old in my care, but my mother instinct made my quite strong and protective.

And the grand finale. Altea's throwing her newly acquired bad treasures into the Candy Monster's roaring mouth. And a picture of all the good treats produced by Mama and Daddy, without partially hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, and artificial flavors and colors. She couldn't wait to dig in and opened a bag of cookies immediately. She also drank a juice box, opened a package of gummy fruit bunnies, and ate her dinner, which consisted of a heaping pile of zucchini.

Halloween '08, Success!

Love that new lappy smell.

2008-10-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Oh what a weekend I just had. On Friday my computer crashed along with my 4,000 pictures. Most were backed up, but since my computer has been powering itself off at an increased rate for three years now, back up has been a harder task to accomplish. One might say I am retarded for continuing to store pictures on that computer, and right now, I won't argue you. But all that aside, you can imagine the panic I felt, when the moment I had been anticipating for years now finally happened, and my computer would not turn on.

Mike spent all day Saturday working on my hard drive and even though he was doubtful, managed to rescue all my pictures!! And since I have been pulling in mucho moneys from babysitting, we decided to treat myself to a much needed laptop. The Dell Inspiron is what we agreed on. Best Buy had it for $650 on Saturday. On Sunday it went on sale for $500! How sweet is that? So now I am the proud owner of a Dell. It's so pretty. It even comes with Chess... I can see an addiction problem arising.

my little bookworm

2008-10-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

I know I mentioned in June that Altea was recognizing words that she knew. She started by spotting Red, On, No, Door, etc on signs in the street. Then she saw Blue Moon on a box at Emma's house and soon after could read short phrases like Good Morning. Well in the last few months, her reading has blossomed to an incredible level. She has always had an insatiable desire to learn language and had an interest in reading since she was 2. She used to ask me to read using my finger to show her the words, then she started to read herself following my finger, and now she reads aloud, asking me for assistance if she gets stuck on a word. I took this video yesterday. She has never seen this book before and when I saw she was reading it, I thought I would discretely capture video. Just after this was taken, she started to read Amelia Bedelia.

She often reads to her friends. Sometimes she initiates this, like in the video above, and sometimes I ask her. I often joke that I should give her a cut of my babysitting earnings for all her help.

The downside to this early reading, is that she really really really wants to write and doesn't know how to. Unfortunately, she won't practice her writing and drawing has never been a strong interest to her, like it is to other kids. I am currently working on the ideas of practice, trying, and patience, but right now we just have a lot of frustration and screaming when her hand isn't in sync with her brain.

Farm Fresh Fun

2008-10-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

All day yesterday, I was eagerly anticipating putting Altea to bed and curling up with my blanket and sacred bowl of ice cream to watch Mad Men. I've been watching far too much tv these days than I care to admit. My days are packed so full and the hours so long, that by nighttime, my eyes can't stay open to a book. I would say 20% of the week, I pass out on the couch, and crawl to bed sometime in the early predawn hours. It's embarrassing really.

Soooo to bring us back to last night. Becca called me around 8:00 to let me know that Isa was sick with a fever. We were going on a field trip the next day to Hidden Villa Farm for Homeschool Day. Now that I am the hired caregiver at Altea's school, I'm always there. My paid hours are 10-2, but being that I am doubly invested (moneys and Altea's education) I am very very flexible. An ideal candidate for the role really. So, last week, when she asked me if I could get there at 9:30, I was more than ok with it.

Again, to this phone call. Isa is sick. Becca, the host mama, thinks that she needs to stay home with her 7 month old. She asks me if I could pick up her kids at 8, Tobias at 8:20, in order to arrive at the farm by 9 to register for classes. That would mean that I would need to leave my house around 7:30. Joy.

And I did it. I went to bed early, skipped Mad Men, and was up at 6:30 and off to the farm. I drove Becca's van, and honestly, is there anything more 'mom' than driving a minivan??? I had four kids, a bag full of snacks, water bottles, clothes, and sunscreen. We arrived on time, but these homeschoolers are a committed lot. All of the classes we wanted were filled up, so I signed them up for afternoon classes. I knew this would be bad, and they would all be exhausted by then, but I was left with no choice. The day went well, although we did nothing as planned. Pachie, the oldest, met up with a friend and disappeared for most of the day. The three little ones and I took off towards the garden, where we saw gigantic squashes, garden houses made of wicker and metal and covered with vines, tunnels, scarecrows, compost bins, and free sunflower seeds to snack. They also got to plant a beet seed in a newspaper cup, that fell apart by the end of the day. Next we moved on towards the animals. We got to pet goats, sheep, and cows. On the way to the pigs, the kids got tired and wanted to pee and snack.

Lunch was AMAZING!!! 5 star amazing. All garden fresh: heirloom tomato salad, a warm green (not sure what was in it.. potatoes?) soup, red bell pepper pesto on a homemade tortilla wrap, and fresh watermelon. I was in food heaven. The kids ate watermelon and looked inquisitively at everything else. No complaints here. They ate an entire bag of cashews that we brought with us and I ate three bowls of salad, two bowls of soup, and two tortilla pesto wraps. The only downside was that we were on the grass, and bugs kept jumping/flying into our food. I'm a little freaked out of bugs. This confirmed that I will never live on a farm.

By afternoon, the kids were all melting and begging to go home and sleep. I didn't want to leave without attempting to do our scheduled activity, so onward we went, with the promise that if they did not like it, we would go. We were supposed to go to a 'Gather Herbs and Nuts' activity, but they left without us. Instead of hunting them down, which I knew would be a task impossible for this group of sloooow walkers, I suggested we play in the garden instead. Which we did. The kids loved it and made stone soup and played around while I sat in the shade and rested. Next on to cider pressing, and home.

The day was long and exhausting. I dropped the last one off at 4:00. Here are a few pictures I got early in the day.

They're going to some sort of love festival.

2008-10-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

The much anticipated Love(Parade)Fest was this weekend. Party hardy. I left the kid at home with Mike and took BART into the city. I needed this so badly. The music. The energy drinks. The friends. The walking. The walking. The walking. Dancing!

I arrived in San Francisco, stepped off BART, and immediately felt the music penetrating the underground. Half of the train was occupied by other Love Parade attendees. Everyone starting cheering and I pulled out my first 12 ounce Red Bull to commemorate the moment. As I headed upstairs, I saw the floats to my left and a swarm of people to my right. I chose to follow the mass and landed straight in the square. I was overcome. SO many more people this year. And more floats. I met up with the friends and soon we were on our way to the dancing. Oh god we danced. Dance. Stop. Dance. Stop. The only downside to a party like this; as soon as you get into a groove, someone in the group wants to move on and check out a different stage. The starting and stopping was taxing and as time wore on the adrenaline needed, to keep up the momentum, began to fade.

A shift occurred when I noticed my phone had stopped working. Texts weren't going out and calls weren't coming in. I was concerned about how Altea was doing and the worry began to take a toll on my energy. That and my legs and feet were throbbing from all the concrete. I was able to text Mike via Nancy's phone, but communication was limited. We pressed on, but within the hour, we were all ready to go. By the time Mike picked me up, my legs felt pretty stiff, numb, and very rubbery. I think I'll be sore for days.

All in all, great event!! First time on BART alone. Enjoyed watching all the people and running through the streets; something I am never able to do with a three year old who walks at a snail's pace. Literally. She's one of the slowest kids I have ever seen.

A peek through a child's eyes.

2008-09-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

a changing with the seasons

2008-09-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of changes these last few weeks.

1) We are no longer going to Europe in October. Emma and Brandt left yesterday. Blessed be their journey!

2) We are planning to travel in the spring. April perhaps?

3) I've increased my Europe funds goal, from $4,000 to $6,000, in order to cover the entire expense. (Just so you know, I'm projected to meet my $4,000 October goal by October 10th!)

4) I volunteered for the role of caregiver at Altea's child care co-op. This was a complicated decision due to a lot of factors. It's not ideal for me, but makes more sense than not, so we'll leave it at that. The largest downside is that I'm back to not getting any time for myself, which I think Altea and I both need a little bit of these days.

5) Altea's haircut!

6) MY haircut!

7) Making plans to drive to Seattle for Christmas

8) Autumn has approached us. Call me a sucker for the cooler weather, but all I can think about are apple hills, pumpkin patches, haystacks, and all the goodies that come with it. Altea wants to be a pirate for Halloween! Watch out children; she's gonna scare you. Arrrrrr......

R.I.P. dreads

2008-09-14T18:09:00.001-07:00

It was time. All the olive oil in the world couldn't get the massive dread out of Téa's hair, so I decided to cut it. I only stalled for two weeks. I really wanted to give her a haircut after she turned four, as a right of passage into her fifth year. But the hair itself had a whole other agenda. The pictures say a thousands words, so here ya go!

The dreads and knots were up to her scalp, in a huge bunch, with smaller pieces coming out the sides. I knew that if I took her in to a salon, they would cut it no more than an inch long. I was considering this until it occurred to me that I could probably just cut a massive part of the dread out, and then take my detangler and wide toothed comb and continue where I left off. I was able to save so much of her hair this way. Although there are some short chunky pieces underneath.

PS: This was my first haircut.. ever. I've never even done a bang trim. In fact, as a kid I don't think I even cut my own hair. Not bad considering she would not stop whipping her head side by side.

Controversial confusion?

2008-09-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the hallway doing laundry when Altea comes flying out of her bedroom.

Altea: I'm a bad guy and I'm going to shoot you! (Her hand was shaped like a pretend gun.)

Me: No! No! I don't want to be shot. (Then I proceed to tickle her and she runs away.)

Moments later.

Altea: Here. I am going to shoot you with this shot. (She is holding a syringe from her doctor kit. She gives me a shot in my arm and follows up with a band aid.)

Me: Thank you.

Moments later, Altea runs from her room again, aiming straight for me. This time she is holding a stick, that acts as a toy gun, that one of her friends gave her when she was 2.

Altea: I am going to shoot you in the back.

Me: You are???

She aims and sticks the gun directly in the middle of my back, which is quite a cowardly move, imo.

Altea: There you go. Now you are feeling all better. (Then she pats a pretend band aid on me and continues on her way.)

/Scratches head.

And what just happened here?

tiredness succumbs me

2008-08-31T23:19:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Téa and I got really really sick. This flu virus gave her a temperature of about 102 for three days and then cold symptoms for a few weeks after. I was incapacitated for a few days. It was such an odd thing. I was unable to sleep well, yet severely exhausted, clammy and shaky, no appetite, serious congestion so deep in my sinus cavity that there was little mucus, only intense persistent pain. For weeks. Nearly a month. I don't know what is happening to us over here. This will be two colds this year that lasted nearly a month. And since I have this idea that they should only last a week, two at the most, I keep over scheduling myself with the belief that I will truly be better in time to honor that commitment. As a result, I have been working, tired, working, tired, sleeping all the live long days.

Brandt came to visit us for the day. Yay! And someone (I think it was me since I love over scheduling myself) suggested that we take BART into Union Square to hit up Urban Outfitters. It's family discount time again!

Brought Téa in the Ergo, along with her ear protection gear since BART can be a very scary place. Got some jazzy shirts. And slept well that night.

PS: Check out the hair. Since I wasn't able to brush it for a few weeks (THANK YOU flu virus!) she has a nice dread collection going. I'm planning to attack that as soon as my energy levels increase. Maybe I'll try in a few days.

dedication

2008-08-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

I was watching Michelle's speech the other night and mike came over and said to Téa, "This is Obama. He's a daddy. These are his daughters. This is their mommy. They are a family, like us, see? Etc, etc."

Téa's interested.

"Hillary dropped out of the race. Do you want to see the other guy you could vote for?"

She says yes.

He shows her this: John McCain

Way to play fair huh? But it still didn't work.

She says, "No, I'm still voting for Hillary."

Mike says, "Oh I see, like a write in?"

Téa says, "Yes."

I wish to bestow death on all viruses.

2008-08-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm walking through a tunnel. A tunnel where I can see no end in sight. It's dark, it's wet, and it's irritating to my senses. My head feels in a fog. My muscles hurt, even the lazy ones. And medicine makes me feel scratchy and twitchy.

I only want to sleep, yet my eyes don't feel satisfied closed. The longer I lay here, the more awake I feel.

Why does sickness have to be so uncomfortable? Why can't our bodies just let us rest? Téa's sick too. I look at her and see myself, only a smaller, whinier version. And one that has not learned to self soothe, so she seeks comfort in me. And I don't feel like I have much comfort to offer.

The weekend was rough. I'm glad it's over. She is napping now. I should nap with her, but I am enjoying the quietness. The freedom of not being touched or my attention grabbed.

This week was a blow. I only worked one day and then sickness overcame us. I also had a lot of cancellations that pushed me beyond irritation. But I am getting over that now. If they hadn't canceled on me, I would have canceled on them. Babysitting requires optimal health.

I think a decision has been made. Europe will happen in the spring. This is good. Even if I were to have miraculously made all the money I needed, I would be working 7 days a week until the day we departed, which would have left no time for planning and no extra money for frivolous Europe spending.

I can be less upset at my failing body knowing that my goal has been postponed. I can give it more attention and nurture it back to health.

My new total is $1219. Doesn't feel so impressive.

But I did read a novel this weekend. Life of Pi. Outstanding. Read it now. Go.

Karma's playing tricks again

2008-08-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I dropped my keys at precisely the moment I was passing through the elevator in our building, and they fell right between the crack, down the elevator shaft. Téa and I were on our way out to the library, with our stack of 30 books to be returned. My whole body heaved with disappointment as we turned around to go back inside.

We were planning to walk, but the stroller was in my car, and I felt the need to start the resolution process of getting my keys back. First I called Mike. He tells me to call our landlords. They didn't answer. I called the building's management service and Thank God they answered! They gave me the number to the elevator service, so I called them. Their answering service told me that it would be $100 for emergency elevator service and I said, "No thank you" and left them a message to call me in the morning.

So last night I canceled today's plans and was looking forward to a day's rest with Téa. I'm sure we needed it.

First thing this morning, the elevator company called me and quoted me $250 to retrieve the keys. This time I said, "Are you kidding me?" and then I played the poor man's card. I can't afford this, are there other options, etc. The lady on the phone was very sweet and told me that I could wait until the next scheduled maintenance check which would be the first week of September. At this point, I was considering it. $250 is NOT in our budget at all. Then she asked me to hold and was gone for quite a while. When she came back, she told me that the technician would try to stop by sometime between 1 and 1.5 weeks when he had time available, to retrieve the keys for me, at no charge. I was very OK with this and thanked her profusely.

After THAT phone call, I started my 'week with no car, carseat, and stroller' plan. I emailed my local parents group asking if anyone has a spare carseat or stroller they could lend me. I emailed Mike my schedule for the week so we could go over car sharing options. And I called the dealership to see how much a key replacement would actually cost us. I was quoted between $120 and $300 depending on the type of key I wanted. So much money!!

By this point I was passed the most stressful part. The situation was not ideal, but at least a solution was in progress. Linda brought me a carseat and stroller, my keys were scheduled to arrive, someday, and Mike and I had agreed to spend the $120 on a basic key for a spare, since it was wiser to have one.

I was planning dinner when Mike arrived home tonight with a few groceries I asked him to pick up, and the mail. He is going through the mail in front of me when she says, "What is this? A letter for Christina. I wonder what it could be."

Then he opens an envelope and my keys fall out. My keys fall out! I am too stunned and shocked and confused to even catch on that he was trying to pretend like they came in the mail. I was still trying to figure out how they got out of the elevator shaft. So the technician must have come out today after all. Amazing. And to think I was this close (squeezes fingers together tightly) to paying $250!!!

Incredible. And here is a picture of Téa, reunited with George, on the couch after Mike rescued him from the front seat of my car. She doesn't look too happy because the poor girl is sick with a fever.

Let's toast to zinc, vitamin C, and lot's of rest.

fuel for loving

2008-08-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

My life is full of enrichment right now. I feel everything folding over upon itself, connecting, and influencing. I just started a book called "How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving." I'm reading this for self explanatory reasons, but instantaneously I'm noticing so much that is guiding me to become a better parent. The book explains that in order to love fully, you need to have been loved fully. And if you were never loved fully by your parents or caregiver, then you need to learn to love yourself, before you can be expected to love someone else. Beautiful. And as much as most of us know this, this book breaks down what it is that we need in order to feel loved.

1) Attention
2) Acceptance
3) Appreciation
4) Affection
5) Allowance to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes

I can see that a lot has been missing in my life, and am thankful that this healing process has begun. It's a constant battle: the realization that Téa needs to feel pain as a child to learn to heal herself, and the desire to protect her. I am continuing to learn and change my ideas in this field, but the one continuing thought that I have is that if she feels safe and loved fully in her home, then she will be strong enough to face the pain in the world with love. And there is so much natural discomfort, that this will not need to be a life lesson taught by us, her parents.

Reading these five A's enabled me to have a huge AhHa! moment. Oh how my left brain loves lists. Acceptance and allowance were the two I lacked, and those are the two I struggle with Téa. But reading those words as little reminders is helping me accept and allow Téa to be Téa, every quirky part about her.

Another Crossroads

2008-08-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

As you know, I have been babysitting a lot lately. A lot. And one of the families that I have been doing the most amount of work for, has two girls, one 5 and one 2. Téa is completely infatuated with the 5 year old, Samantha. She follows her around, repeats what she says, asks for "exactly what Samantha has" irrelevant if she likes it or not, and is taking on her mannerisms. What I see transpiring makes me really nervous, and I am trying to work out how much is a natural part of development and how much should be curbed. If I see her being led on a path of destruction, then I obviously intervene. And so far, my few interventions have been taken very seriously by Téa, which tells me that she is still within reach. /sigh

We get home tonight and Téa is acting rather "adult like" to the point that Mike says to her, "What happened to my baby between this morning and now? You seem so grown up."

And I pipe in, "Let me tell you about a conversation that Téa and I had on the way home today."

Téa: Mommy, I am a big girl and I think it's time I go to sleep without you laying down with me.

Me: Really?

Téa: Yes, I think we should do this tonight.

Me: So you want me to tuck you into bed and then say goodnight and leave you to fall asleep on your own?

Téa: Yes, and then you can tell Daddy to be really really quiet and only talk in whispers so I don't hear him.

Me: Ok.

Fast forward to the conversation with Mike.

Mike: Téa, what gave you the idea that big girls go to sleep on their own?

Téa: Well, I was talking to Samantha and she was telling me that she goes to sleep like that and so I told her that I would try that tonight too.

So the evening comes to a close and I read her a story in bed. I get up, turn off the light, and as I am getting back into bed, Téa says, "Why are you laying down?"

Ok, so I forgot. Or maybe I'm just not ready. I have been anticipating this FOREVER; especially since I was raised to believe that kids fell asleep on their own starting from birth. But being asked by my three year old to leave, kinda bruised my heart.

I came out here to type this entry, because everything seemed symbolic at that moment, when a few minutes later, I hear the latch to her door open.

Tap shuffle shuffle...

Me: Are you having trouble falling asleep?

Téa: I think it might be easier with Sidey.

My everything relaxed as I walked to put my baby to sleeps.

Three week total.......

2008-08-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

Drum roll please: $1129.00

Thank you and good night.

The great fear of strangers epidemic

2008-08-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

Every one's heard it, "Don't talk to strangers!!" Why? Because strangers are bad bad bad. Well, this is a line I will never say to Téa. And it's not because I hope she gets kidnapped or have a profoundly high level of trust in people, but I honestly don't think it works. And my theory was proven to me last weekend at the park.

We arrive and Téa instantly befriends a 5 year old girl. Within a few minutes, she is talking to me. Within two minutes the conversation has progressed here:

Girl: That's my nanny over there.

Me: Ya?

Girl: She speaks Spanish. She's teaching me Spanish. She also tells me to only talk to people I know and never talk to strangers.

Me: (Nodding my head.) Who are strangers?

Girl: Oh you know. People who take children away from their parents. And people who give candy to kids and poison them. And then kids never see their parents again. And strangers are bad people.

Me: Oh I see.

I hope you catch the irony of this conversation. I could not be any more of a stranger to this girl. We are on a park playground talking for no more than a couple minutes. And on top of that, her parents have enlisted fear in their daughters eyes but it seems they have not educated her on how to avoid these bad strangers or protect herself from them. Unless, moms at playgrounds are all safe. In that case, she's right on track.

In my opinion, the biggest problem with this teaching is that we instruct our children to speak with and be polite to so many strangers every day. "Say thank you to the cashier." "Say hi to the mailman." We order food at restaurants. We ask for assistance at stores. And some even teach children to find a police man if they are ever lost. How much more strange can you get?

So, what we are planning to teach Téa is this. If you are in public and can't find mommy or daddy, then you:

1) Look around for a mommy. Or a lady.

2) Tell her you are lost and ask her to help you find your mommy or daddy. Most women, especially mothers, will not ignore a lost child.

That's it. As far as bad people go, studies show that they are more often than not, not strangers at all. And I am assuming that it is my responsibility to keep her safe, not her. With that said, I do want to empower her as it becomes age appropriate to feel out people herself to see when a situation becomes strange.

I tried talking to her about this when she was two and the conversation failed miserably. First of all, she never left my side, and would scream if a stranger even looked at her, so it was pretty pointless. But even if she did wander and befriend anyone, at that age, she really couldn't grasp what it was that I was talking to her about.

So after my conversation with Girl from Park, I decided to refresh Téa's memory.

Me: Téa. If you are ever in a public place like the grocery store or a park and can't find mommy and daddy, do you know what you would do?

Téa: No.

Me: Well, I would want you too look around and try to find a mommy. Do you know how to tell if someone is a mommy?

Téa: Yes, they have kids.

Me: Yes. And if there are no mommies around you, then I would want you to find a lady.

Téa: OK.

Me: Then you walk up to this lady and say, "I am lost. Can you help me find my mommy?" Do you understand?

Téa: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me what you would say?

Téa: I would go up to a mommy and say, "I am lost. Can you help me find my mommy?" Then I would get into their car and we would go on a trip.

Me: WHAT??? NO! No no no. Never get into any one's car that is not mommy or daddy's or anyone that we have not talked to you about in advance. NO, do not get in their car.

Téa: Why?

Me: Because we would be looking for you. And it's important to stay in the same area that we were separated in, so we can find you. If you leave, it will make finding you much harder.

Téa: But what if I forget.

Me: You won't forget.

Téa: I might forget.

Me: It's very important that you don't get into any one's car.

Téa: But I could still forget.

Me: (I could see we were getting nowhere this way, so I got serious.) Téa, you know what? I don't think you'll forget. I think you'll know exactly what to do. And you will know not to ever get into some one's car.

Téa: I won't forget.

Whew!!! I came so close to yelling out, "Because they are a stranger!!!", but that would have defeated my whole purpose wouldn't it?

sheepish grin

2008-08-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

I heard via Emma's Facebook event invitation that they were leaving on October 24 and became instantaneously overjoyed that I had another whole month to collect the funds!! Then I called her and found out that it was an error, and they are really leaving on September 24, which is actually a week sooner than my original estimation. This news is deeply saddening. As much money as I am pulling in right now, it's still not enough. Especially now that I lost a week.

Soooooo... does anyone have any money making suggestions or tips??

Anyone want to make an anonymous donation?

This should be linked up to my PayPal Acct, but unfortunately there is no way for me to check since I only have one PayPal login and it won't let me login with it.

Sooooo.... Maybe YOU'LL want to be the first to test it out for me? With a donation perhaps?

Please!!!!

I'll bake cookies for the first person to donate!!

my big girl

2008-08-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

What happens when you breastfeed on demand, co-sleep, and baby wear your baby?

They somehow grow up believing that babies belong in cribs and drink from bottles.

Téa's going through some major developmental growth spurts right now. So of course this also comes with a touch of regression. So when she feels insecure, she plays that she is still a baby. Today during school she brought out this basket, a pillow, a blanket, and a bottle and set herself right up. The other kids LOVED rocking and singing to her and feeding her the bottle. It wast just too cute to pass up so I grabbed the camera.

Two week update.

2008-08-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Weekly update because I know you're dieing to know.

1) No internet job. At least not right now. Maybe (crosses an even amount of fingers) in the soon future. But it's ok. After taxes and stock options, it was likely less than what I am making babysitting. And I really can't afford a paycut right now.

2) I'm making bank, babysitting. Worked over 30 hours this week. I don't know how I did it. Or how I am alive to talk about it. Or how I am surprisingly not too stressed. Very cool.

But I am tired and about to go watch Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries, so I will leave you with my, to date, Euro trip income:

Dun dun....

$689.00

That is because I am a machine.

The Universe is taking two separate clusters of stars and realigning them into one straight line pointing from me to my destiny.

2008-07-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

So busy my life has become. My calendar is so penciled and erased in, that I might soon need a bigger calendar. Maybe one that comes with a personal assistant. After my 'desperately looking for work' email, I have received a ton of work! Oh thank you dear friends, who also need babysitters, and can afford to pay one. I am scheduled for about 20 hours a week right now, which might be enough for the airfare, but not enough for any spending money or hotel expenses. But not bad for only a week of looking. Some people have been asking for an update and since you know my personal goal, I might as well share my personal income as well.

In the 7 days since I decided to send my family to Europe, I have made $180. Not a lot, but... this is only 4 days of part part time work.

We also have some friends who have a start up internet business. I was talking with them about my career plans (do I have career plans?), personal goals, interests, money making ideas, etc. In all my years of mental wandering and feeling unsure that anything I like to do could ever earn me an income, who would have thought this conversation could have come up?

Daniel: Do you know anything about blogging?

Me: I have a blog!

Daniel: Do you think you could read people's blogs and engage in conversation about our company and link back to our website?

Me: I can definitely do that! That is my number one most preferred way to waste time! Is their a job for that??

Daniel: Yes, it's called a Communications Evangelist. And we might have room in our budget for one.

Me: For reals???

So now I am reading "Community Building on the Web" for my future career as a Communications Evangelist.

Alah! If I believed the Universe had a voice, I would swear he was talking to me right now.

Shall I see you in Strasbourg?

2008-07-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooo..........

Where to begin? I talked to Emma a few days ago. We were just chatting online like we usually do, when she dropped the bomb on me. "We're going to Europe, Brandt and I, for a few months in October. You should come."

Of course I nearly die. Because there is nothing more that I truly want to do in October, than go to Europe. But alas, we cannot afford it. Moneys. Everyone always needs more moneys right?

So I tell her my sad tale. We want to go I say, but we're broke. And penniless. And there is no way Mike will let me just up and break budget when we both decided that traveling was an extra expense that we could not afford.

And she begged and pleaded and through down the Emma charm.

And I got to *thinking* of babies next year. And traveling with friends. And the increasing airfare prices. And soon I was absolutely convinced that there is no better time to travel in all the world than in October!!!

So, I made a deal with myself that I would earn $3,000 for the plane tickets in the next 10 weeks. And when Mike got home, I sprung it on him. And he said, make it $4,000 and you've got a deal. And I jumped up and gave him a kiss and then got right down to work.

I know he thinks I am crazy, but I'm doing this. I posted an email to my local parenting group that I was looking for babysitting work. I've uploaded pictures of items for sale on eBay and Craigslist. The emails have come in and things are being set up. The goal I have set is pretty outrageous. I need to make about $400 a week and I am nowhere near that. But I am nearer than I was a week ago and that is all that matters.

Sooooo.. if you have suggestions that are NOT get quick money making schemes, but rather get quick money making solutions, let me know! And pray for me too. I need everything I can get right now!!

Le Castle Vania - electro

2008-07-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was in a funk. Mike and I were in a funk. Altea and I were in a funk. And with life so funky, I certainly did not feel the urge to go dancing. But then, as life often does, things changed. And my mood was lightened. So when Mike dropped it in conversation that he wanted to see Le Castle Vania in July, I said, "Of course. Yes! Me too!" He looked at me with a peculiar glance and was a little taken aback when a few days later I told him that I had a babysitter lined up. And that was that.

Fast forward to the day before. I was prepping Altea for the arrival of my sister. Letting her know that I would be putting her sleep, then going out, and when she woke up the next day, I would be there, just like I had never even left. This all seemed very simple to me. But oh no, she would have nothing to do with it! "I want you and Daddy to leave. I want to watch shows with Jen. I want to read stories with Jen. And I want Jen to put me to sleep!!"

Wha??? My child who has NEVER gone to sleep without me. My child who just a few nights earlier stayed up 2 hours past her bedtime while I was at a meeting and would not even put jammies on or begin her bedtime activities until I stepped through the door. My child who is still nursing to sleep? I felt so confused. As much as I wanted this child of mine to grow up and go to sleep with Jen, I also didn't want her to have second thoughts and panic and call me back after I was out for the night. Knowing that coming home would not be as simple as leaving.

So I made a deal with her. An arrangement of sorts. I explained my worries, that she would not be happy, would change her mind, be upset. I didn't want her to need me and for me to not be there. She assured me that I was crazy and that she was fine. So I said this to her, "Altea, if you really want Jen to put you to sleep tomorrow night, while I am out, then I am going to need to believe that you are ok without me. How about if you and Daddy do bedtime activities tonight and then you and Daddy brush teeth, do jammies, and lay down in bed together when it's time to go to sleep? IF you can fall asleep with Daddy and you still want to fall asleep with Jen tomorrow, then I will be ok with this."

And guess what? She did. And she was!

So day two arrives and we pick up Jen from the train station. We make dinner, play games, do other stuff, and when 8:00 rolls around, Altea's impatience begins to kick in. I tell her, "Sweetie, we are not leaving for two hours. And when we do, Jen can put you to sleep." She was not very happy, but accepted this answer. Soon I was getting ready and at 10:30 (we left a little later than planned), we were out the door. We left Altea in jammies, brushing teeth, and getting ready to watch shows. She looked so strong. So independent. So much unlike the little girl I have come to know so well. She gave me a hug and a kiss with a look that said, "Will you just get out of here already?" I got a text at 11:30 stating that they were in bed. We got home at 2:00 and saw them curled up in Altea's bed where we left them both to sleep.

Of course every night since she has requested that I nurse her to sleep, but I am putting time restrictions on the nursing session now with a newfound trust that she can go right to sleep without my boob near her mouth. And she is amazing me every day with her growth and newfound independence.

And for the first time in three and a half years, I have complete faith that I can go out with friends and trust that Mike can put her to sleep without me! Did I mention that I have already joined a book club?

Fairy Tale Town. Part 3

2008-06-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm going to really miss Emma's camera. And Emma. But also Emma's camera. /sigh

It's too bad Emma is not in any of these pictures. She always photographs so beautifully.

OM NOM IM TEH RAPTOR OMGLOL

2008-06-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

This was before:

And this was after:

Thanks Jason!! lol

still life and animation: we read it all

2008-06-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

So Téa and I are in love with the library system here. We're there all the time, every week, checking out new books. We have about 30 out right now. And I recently began to take advantage of our frequent visits and looked up some books that were already on my Amazon wish list. So far I have checked out 6 books! Fantastic savings.

And Téa has recently began to read. She's recognizing probably close to 50 words. All up to four of five letters, except 'sunshine' and a few others that she has picked up on. She spots words everywhere. On street signs, store buildings, subtitles on TV, etc. And she spots smaller words inside bigger words. This is especially common while I am reading to her and she is skimming the text. She'll notice bed inside the word combed for example. She is also starting to put words together like 'ladybug' and sound things out. And just a few days ago she read the phrase 'Good night, sleep tight' in a book we had never looked through before. We were at Emma's house this week and Téa looked up at the kitchen counter and said, "Can I have a blue moon?" I looked over to see what she was referring to and saw a case of beer titled 'Blue Moon'. There is no way that she overheard someone talking about that since no one was there but us and I hadn't even noticed the case before. I asked her if she read that and she told me yes. Unlike the 'Good night' phrase, I did not know that she knew those two words. It's very exciting; this love of words and language that she has.

Moving on to TV. When I was pregnant, I had these visions that my child would never watch TV. Or if she did, it would never be first thing in the morning! Everyday? Of course not. It would be just once in a while. But then reality set in. While I still hold firm my beliefs that expectations of treats are tied in with a sense of entitlement, by allowing TV sometimes, and inconsistently, I was hearing a constant begging every and all day. After feeling waves of insanity flow over me, I decided that TV would only be first thing in the morning and when I decided that TV would be off, it was off. No questions. And it's been amazing how well this works!

Now with that said, there are three shows that I love and adore and I will go ahead and share them with you.

1) Curious George. We've all read the books and the show is just as cute. A little monkey exploring the world and experiencing cause and effect and taking responsibility for his actions. No teaching of morality. No unnecessary grandiose praise for saving the day. And no preaching of romanticized views of relationships or the world.

2) It's a Big Big World. Animal puppets in the jungle learning about science. Seasonal changes, metamorphosis, animal classes, and other natural phenomenons like echos, are a few examples. Very educational and fun. I have learned a ton from this show!

3) Word World. Little animals that are made out of letters spelling out their names. All the scenery is also made out of words like house, rock, bridge, mountain, pie, rug, log, etc. It's a great show. The animals build things by connecting the letters and turning them into words which then become the item shown. It's hard to read the word once it's in an object form but they do clearly spell out the words before it morphs into an object and it really helps the children understand that these 26 letters make all the words and that everything has a word that identifies it. Téa learned to read 'bed' a few months ago from this show.

So there ya go, books and TV, we do it all. I'll try to compose a list of our most favorite kiddie books for you some other time.

Did you ever hear of a Weaning Party?

2008-06-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Another great breastfeeding story. Because Téa is so freakin' hillarious about it!

So she is three and a half and becoming a nursing guru. All morning, sometimes all day, and most definitely at night, she nurses away. She has made it very clear that my milk has run dry but that has not slowed her down. I night weaned her in Feb when I got news of my pregnancy, and still four months later she wakes multiple times a week begging me, begging me, begging me for Sidey. And I have to gently hold her and rub her back and explain to her again and again that will be no more Sidey in the middle of the night.

So, even though I am very comfortable nursing a three and even four year old, I feel like it's time to introduce the idea of weaning. So Mike and I have begun to point out that her older friends do not have Sidey and that when she grows up she will not have Sidey and that when she decides that she is a big girl and weans, we will give her a Weaning Party. If you don't know what this is, it's a party with cake and guests to celebrate the passage from one phase of life to the next. One that consists of self soothing and daddy hugs and gives mama's boobs a break.

So I was at Emma's this week and I ask Téa if she remembers our conversation about the weaning party. And she looks at me leeringly and says, "No..."

And I pressed on. "Remember, when you decide that you are a big girl and don't need Sidey anymore, you get to have a Weaning Party!"

Téa slowly gets up from her chair and says, "Whatever! I'm going back to my house" and marches off rather diplomatically.

"Come back Téa!"

"What?"

"Let's talk about your Weaning Party."

"Whatever. I'm going back to my house" and marches off again.

This happened about five times before we decided to change our approach.

"Come here. Let's talk about a Nursing Party."

Ears perk up. "A Nursing Party?" She slowly walks back and sits down.

"Yes, a party for when you decide you are too old for nursing!"

"Whatever!!" and away she marches again.

Emma and I were laughing so hard we could barely restrain ourselves. This kid won't even acknowledge the idea of not nursing. Such denial. Even chocolate cake and presents won't entice her.

Either way, it will happen some day. It will. It will! It has to right???

Maybe I am just really really eager for an excuse to make one of THESE! ;)

preschool twitterpatedness

2008-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Have you heard about Téa's boyfriend? At first his name was Window and her ex-boyfriend was Closet Door, but then, last October, they were both replaced with a real life boyfriend. Well.. he is real life as in flesh and bones, but since he's not aware that he's in this relationship, it's not that real. His name is Ethan and Téa is smitten by him. Which is really funny since I had no idea a 3 year old could be smitten by a boy. But again, this is not the same kind of smitten as a 12 year old girl crush. Let me explain.

Téa is very attached to her family and she sees the affection that Mike and I have for each other as a sign of security and warmth and happiness. When she was 2 she would often try to kiss me on my mouth like I kiss daddy. And when I made the mistake of telling her that that was a "Special Mommy Daddy" kiss and that we have "Special Mommy Tea" cuddles she seemed to be MORE intrigued and more interested in establishing that connection with me than before. But after months of explaining to her that we we only do quick kisses and nuzzles and cuddles, along with Mike and I refraining from kissing on the mouth in front of her, this interest has appeared to dissipate. But she is still very interested in the family unit and relationships and continues to talk and ask questions about what husbands and wives do and has even inquired about what sex was. I often see her playing that her Little People are making out and I have seen her kissing George (her beloved stuffed animal) on the mouth a few times.

So when she talks about Ethan being her boyfriend, it's not the same as talking about Ethan being her friend. In fact she has made it quite clear to me that Ethan is not a friend who is a boy, but in fact, her boyfriend. She has also called him on her pretend phone and engaged in long conversations with him as if they were indeed married and has even asked him, via phone, if they were going to kiss later on that night. My eyes always bulge open when I hear this, and I have to stifle back a laugh, but I do understand that she is only three and what she is emulating has nothing to do with romantic love, but rather that Mike and I are probably just doing an awesome job portraying a healthy relationship to her. She's looking for connection just like the rest of us. But this also confirms my previously held beliefs that little girls do not need to be surrounded by love stricken fairy tales that portray girls who wait their entire lives to be rescued by a prince. In fact, I am more determined than ever to teach Téa that she can find that completeness within herself.

With that said, we had a visit with Ethan a few days ago. And what do ya know, they played house in the backyard with the little kitchen set and cars. They even said "goodbye honey" as one went off to work and the other stayed home to cook. Thankfully they took turns playing both roles! Phew.. she haven't sacrificed herself for love just yet!

moving on to better things?

2008-06-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

The news is official. Emma is leaving. She has decided to move to Seattle to help her dad and sister out. I think we have a month with her left. Although we are far away now and will only see her once before she goes, it's still nice that she is within a driving distance. Seattle seems terribly far away and now that Téa doesn't fly for free, traveling will be quite expensive. I haven't broke the news to Téa yet. We've lost a few friends to location changes so she will understand the concept of moving away, but I still think a three year mind is too simple for the true reality of it. She still tells me all the time that she wants to visit Logan. And when I tell her it's not that easy, she says, "Of course it is. You just drive to the airport. Get on a plane. Fly to Portland. And then Tanya, Craig, and Logan will pick us up." I guess the value of money does not set in for quite a few more years, does it?

We love you Emma and will miss you dearly!!!! xoxoxoxo

Buon appetito!

2008-06-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

I made my first pizza tonight! Mixed, kneaded, and rolled out the dough in a semi-perfect circle. Topped it with olive oil, pizza sauce, mozzarella, zucchini, and mushrooms. And I think it turned out rather tasty. I plan to make more too. Not too much work and uber delicious!!

If you are interested, let me know. I would love to invite you over for dinner.

Alice at the Discovery Museum

2008-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

Let me tell the tale.

2008-05-31T11:22:00.000-07:00

'Twas a Friday night and exhaustion was setting in from a day spent running errands, cleaning the house, and cooking dinner in time for our dear friend Tanicia to come over. The weather that week was atrocious, so I decided to make a cool pasta salad. Everything was done and the pasta was chilling in the fridge, when Mike came home with the parsley that I had forgot to pick up at the store. Téa was skipping around showing off her toys and trying to suck up all the attention, while Mike, Tanicia, and I were sitting in the living room trying to escape the heat and catch up. It had been so long since we'd last seen each other. I felt a murmur of hunger sweep through the room, and I thought I would go finish dinner so we could begin eating.

I was alone in the kitchen, chopping, when I suddenly felt a firm interruption between my knife and the parsley. I knew immediately what had happened. And the pain, it was abnormally harsh and intense. I raised my hand and blood started gushing out of my finger. So fast. So red. I ran my finger under running water and called for Mike. Yelled for Mike. In my head I was screaming for him, but was later told that my voice sounded oddly calm. So calm in fact, that he continued his conversation and took his time coming into the kitchen. I knew I needed to place pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't reach for the paper towel roll. So I waited.

Him, Tanicia, and Téa all came in together. They looked at my hand and asked me what happened, but it was looking a little obvious to me. Soon the towel was rolled up into a thick strip and wrapped around the end of my finger. The pain was pounding which was odd to me, because usually when you cut your finger you see the cut before you feel it. But this was not the case at all. And I knew from the feel of the knife, that I had sliced through my nail. I was trying to tell Mike and Tanicia that I knew that I had sliced through my nail, but they looked hesitant to believe me. I was really certain that it was a deep cut, but I thought I had gone straight down, through the center. I was wrong.

It was Tanicia's idea to look through the parsley. She found the nail. The slice of a nail. About 1/4 square inch of a nail, sliced off, like I had shredded it. So that is how I spent my Friday night. Holding my hand high above my heart, bleeding through paper towel after paper towel. Not knowing how long this would take to heal, or if my finger was going to forever be deformed.

The next day, I went to remove the Band Aid to clean it and reapply some antibiotic cream, when I found that the bandage was stuck to the wound. It took three hours of soaking in salt water and some gentle tugging to remove it. When it was finally disengaged, I reapplied another Band Aid, because this was no boo-boo that needed to be exposed to the environment.

Now, two weeks later, I can see that my nail is started to grow over the wound. I won't lie, it still hurts. But now that it's scabbed over, it's a different kind of hurt. It's no longer highly sensitive to touch, or burns or pulsates if I use the bottom side of my finger, but there is a constant ache. I believe that this is the pressure that I am feeling of my nail pushing down the scab as it grows over. Last weekend it looked like it was the showdown of Nail vs. Scab and it had a subtle throbbing ache, but a few days later, I could see that the scab had sunk down. The nail won. Which is great, because it's looking now like I won't be deformed after all.

And this here is my tale. The tale of how I chopped off my own nail. And what a bitch it was!

The Year of the Second Halfsgiving

2008-05-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

We did it last year and forgot to take pics. We did it again this year and forgot to take pics. Well, I didn't really forget. My camera is breaking and I was rushing around all day with important hosting responsibilities. So I will go ahead and pass the blame this time, onto Emma*.

What is Halfsgiving? Halfsgiving is something that Mike and I came up with. Go ahead, google it. You'll find nothing. Well, maybe this blog entry, but before I hit publish, nothing came up. We decided to host a Halfsgiving dinner for no other reason than it's the last thing anyone expects in May, when summer is coming to a beginning and pools, bbqs, and Luaus are on every body's minds. But we think a turkey dinner is worth having anytime of the year.

Last year we were surprised to find that cranberries were not available in May, so we bought an extra bag for freezing last November. But everything else was actually a little easier. The vegetables were in season and a lot tastier. Rhubarb and fresh strawberries were available for a fantastic pie. Our friends arrived without previous family obligations. And the weather was so cool and breezy that we didn't even go up in flames or pass out from heat exhaustion. The smoke, on the other hand, was still here to burn our eyes. But that was due to our crappy oven more than anything else.

Usually when we host dinner parties or birthday parties, half of our invitees show up. So when we invited 10 people, we were not actually expecting 10 yes RSVPs. And even when we were preparing to accommodate all 10 guests, we were not expecting some of them to bring guests. So about two days before Halfsgiving, Mike and I did the unthinkable and possibly the rudest thing I have just about ever done. We uninvited people. Thankfully, everyone was very understanding and we didn't come off as complete assholes. Or one can hope. So, we contacted four people (2 couples) and explained the situation. We didn't have enough plates or chairs and we were far past Téa's comfort limit for house guests. But then it gets worse. Someone canceled on us and we thought, "Hey! A space has opened" so we contacted the previously exiled couples and re invited them. Yes, this is all a very true, quite embarrassing story. But neither of them could make it. I suppose they had some pride themselves.

So, on to dinner. We had the regulars, Emma, Brandt, Jason, and Mike, and we had some new friends, Alon, Lorraine, and their children Maya and Eli join us. Dinner was grand: a turkey breast that came out phenomenally tasting, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, asparagus, cranberry sauce, and a fresh from the garden arugula and watercress salad. Gosh, this menu rocked! There was wine and after dinner Baileys and I cooked a homemade pumpkin and strawberry rhubarb pie with homemade whipped cream.

This was probably one of the best evenings we have had in a long time. Everyone sat around drinking and talking all night. At one point I was even reading Jason a bedtime story. I am not sure exactly how that happened, but it was most definitely a classic moment. I ended up staying awake until 3am and I think I was the first to pass out! On the floor at that. Mike, Mike, and Jason continued 'til maybe 5. And the M and Brandt headed out to The End Up at 4. I know because Téa and I were already up at 9:30 when they walked in the front door. Fantastic. All night partying at the finest.

'Til next year. Cheerio!

* But only because she has the awesome camera that I never even saw her take out! Where was the camera Emma?

conversations around the japanese maple

2008-05-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

So San Mateo has this sister city, Toyonaka, Japan. And in San Mateo, there is a beautiful Japanese Tea Garden. And in this garden there lies a tea house, a pond with a little bridge, gorgeous coy and ducks, and many authentically Japanese trees. As you can probably imagine, it's a very relaxing place to spend the afternoon. And it doesn't hurt that it's one block from a Starbucks and next to a large playground.

Our friend from Maryland, named Lisa, visited again. Remember last time? Well during her last stay, she became so absorbed with Settlers that she forgot to go to Yosemite, which apparently was a longtime dream of hers. So come springtime, she booked a flight and flew back!

She spent a few days with us, a few more in the woods, camping with bears, and then us again.

What did we do? We played Mesopotamia. We played Settlers. We drank lots of wine. We ate lots of food, drank lots of tea and a little bit of coffee. Oh yes. We went to the de Young museum. The museum had potential, but Téa was tired and hungry and fussed the whole time so I had to take her outside while everyone else finished up.

And we also spent the day in the above mentioned tea garden. A gorgeous day it was. Here's some evidence of her visit. The posing: Lisa made me do it. And Téa running: it's because she hates the camera. Enjoy!

'tis picture time

2008-05-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

Coachella breakdown

2008-05-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Good morning Indio!!!! We are on our way and feel on top of the world!

Camera - check
Camera charger - check
Phone - check
Phone charger - check
Sunscreen - check
Chapstick - check
Hats - check
Glowsticks - check
Téa's high performance protective headgear - check
Water for smuggling in - check
Granola bars - check
Sweaters - check
Tickets -

Tickets? Tickets! Oh no! I forgot the tickets. As we are entering the gates to Coachella and I am eyeing the crowd, I spot two dudes standing there holding a sign, "Need Tickets!" and my hotel room bedside table flashes before my eyes. There sits a manila folder and inside are our two Coachella tickets. Our hotel room is an hour away and my little mistake costs us 130 miles and 2.5 hours of driving time. And we didn't get inside til after 6:30pm.

:(

The whole thing was so unfortunate. Mike and I were rolling in sync and the day looked promising. I would like to say that we found humor in the mistake and laughed about it the whole way back and there again, but unfortunately we were just too sad. Most of the artists we had wanted to see were scheduled for the afternoon and while we were in the heat of the mistake and pushing our rental Prius to the limit, we were missing these key performances. But we did make the best of it, and tried not to let it get us too down.

We arrived at dusk, walked around a bit and scoped the place out. We were starving and bought massive $10 burritos, had an extended potty break, and worked our way over to Kraftwerk. I thought the music was great, but Téa didn't want to get too close. Fortunately they had a tent in the back where we were able to sprawl out and relax. After Kraftwerk, we worked our way back to the Sahara Tent where we listed to M.I.A. finish and then stuck around for Sasha and Digweed. It's really fortunate that most of the artists we planned to listen to are electronic and in this particular tent, because they have a large grass area that is rarely too crowded and after sitting for a while we can see that Téa feels comfortable to run around and get her exercise on. Once the time hit 10:15, we decide to head out in order to beat the mad rush of an exit On our way we passed by Portishead, which I thought had a really nice sound. I wouldn't have minded if we stopped to listen, but Téa was tired and we had initially planned to leave at 10. So onward we went.

The trip had a lot of potential, but overall it ended up being our worst Coachella experience, which is a total bummer. We always hope to learn from our mistakes and improve our travel and party efficiency, so when we fail, it's a real letdown. We decided that for all the expenses, one day isn't worth the effort. Especially when you get in as the sun is setting!! Maybe next year we can work out a deal with someone (Emma?!?!?) and pay for their ticket for a day if they watch Téa for a day, and then we can all 4 go in together for a day... or something like that. I think it's a fabulous idea! ;)

Pics did turn out beautifully until my camera started to malfunction. Fortunately the night was coming to a close... but the fact that I've had my camera for 3 and a half years and it started to die during THIS Coachella trip also says something doesn't it? And we spent the next two days visiting my 96 year old grandmother and we were unable to take any pictures of that visit.

Maybe I did something in a previous life to deserve this? Or maybe I'm doing something in this one. Or maybe it's not about karma at all. Maybe it was just poor planning and bad luck. Sorry to be such a drag. Pictures will be posted soon and should bring a smile to all faces!

the quiet after the storm

2008-04-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

This has been a really rough week. I don't care to get into the details of it; it's both personal and irrelevant, but I can say that I have spotted a glimpse of the gold at the end of the rainbow. And the faint sight of the rainbow is more than what I needed right now.

Unfortunately, even when the storm blows over, the aftermath of stress and tension remains for a little while. I think I will spend the day doing some meditative breathing and the weekend chilling at a downright awesome music festival. Oh ya!

After the festival, Mike returns home and Téa and I stay to visit family. The purpose of the trip is to see my 96 year old grandmother, but we will be staying at my cousin's house. I'm not sure if I am just stuck in my head about this or have a valid reason, but I get the strong feeling that she doesn't want us to stay with her. And I am not too sure what to do about that since we already have the plane tickets, the car rental, and I do need to visit my grandma. Unfortunately, my grandma is too weak for us to stay with her, so I made arrangements with my cousin. I do need to get this all sorted out. And quickly. Time is approaching.

Well, I must go and charge my camera. Pictures are a must. See the all of you when I get back!

Muah!

the itinerary is set

2008-04-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

We've got it all worked out*:

Uffie featuring DJ Mehdi
Kavinsky
120 Days
Boys Noize
Erol Alkin
Cinematic Orchestra (or dinner)
Junkie XL
Kraftwerk
MIA
Sasha & Digweed

Home sweet Hotel.

*Any suggestions? Let us know!

an emotional journey

2008-04-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

My head is back to the drawing board to clear up this mess, and this means no blogging for a while.

See you when I get out. xoxo

blooming

2008-04-03T11:31:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here, by my window, feeling the cool morning breezes seep through the screen. The weather lately has been absolutely beautiful, and even when it appears it's going to rain, a few sprinkling rain drops are all that manage to drop from the sky. I've always disliked spring. Because spring meant summer was on it's way. And summer meant 110 degree weather. That is because I grew up in central California, where hot is an understatement. But now that we are residing in the Bay Area and summer means, high 80s, I can bask in this spring weather, laugh with the birds, skip past the blooming flowers, and take deep breaths of fresh clean warming air. Today I have nothing planned, which according to my day planner, won't be happening again until the middle of May. So with my options laid out in front, here's what we have to choose from. I need to pay rent and go to the post office to drop off my car payment and a Netflix video. I might go for a walk, take Téa to the park, the playground store, or library, do laundry, make zucchini carrot muffins, clean my house, or get my car washed. Or I might just sit here by the window and continue to water my plants. What do you think? Or maybe I should just lay down here on the floor and take a nap.

Flying to Coachella in T - 4 weeks!

2008-03-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Remember two years ago?? There was day 1 and day 2. We are off again. I've been getting my groove on to Portishead and Kraftwerk; trying to get Téa pumped up. Unfortunately, she won't have anything to do with anything that's not Daft Punk. Man, these three year olds are a stickler for familiarity. But really, no complaints. I have a kid who's musical obsession is a French electronic phenomenon. Most of our friends are stuck with the The Wiggles or The Sippy Cups.

Téa and I will be flying into Ontario at around 11pm on Friday. The plan is for Mike to fly in earlier that day and come pick us up. This is what happens when we are so cheap that we end up traveling at different times, with different airlines, and arriving in different airports. Gotta love that $40 savings! But we are renting one car, staying in one hotel, and going for one day, together!

Rumor has it that Mike's brother and his girlfriend might be joining us, but until we actually see them in the flesh, I have my doubts. This is how his family operates. Until they step onto that plane, their arrival remains tentative, unlike my family who plans these trips six months in advance.

I'm really looking forward to this trip. Any chance to expose Téa to great live music is an opportunity that cannot be passed. Also, it takes a whole lot of alcohol to really enjoy myself when I am out and she is home with a babysitter. And since I am usually 'on call' in case she needs me to come home, I rarely get to indulge in a drink. But this will be something that we can all enjoy. And I am very eager to try the Mate Tea that everyone was talking about last year.

gender identity?

2008-03-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

As we were arriving at a friend's house today, Téa pointed out that the gardener was there. I referred to him as a "he" and she corrected me and said that she was, in fact, a "she". I looked closer and saw that she was correct, she was a she. Then Téa told me that she knew this because she was wearing earrings, and that ladies where earrings, and men don't. So I asked her, "Does daddy where earrings?"

And she answered, "Yaaaaaaaaaa.." and then she stopped to think for a long time, like she was trying to work it all out, this great puzzling gender mystery. "And you don't!!"

"No, I do not", I answered.

"So mans and ladies BOTH wear earrings!"

"Yes, yes they do!"

This next generation of open minded children better do great things for our world!

BIG changes are taking place

2008-03-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

Ah life has been good. Busy. Refreshing. There is something about being busy that is refreshing. What is that? I hadn't realized how fast I had been going until I woke up from a three hour nap today. And I felt great! Of course now it's 3 am and I am still wide awake. So what am I talking about? Why have I been so busy? I got a job! And it's the kind that pays.

I've been out of work now for over three years and yes, I'm a mom and that is a lot of work, and blah blah blah, but income wise, it's not bringing much to the family. The benefits of being home to raise Téa far outweighs a meager income, but as any single income family living in the bay area will tell you, we are tight on money. So a few months ago, Mike and I decided to start looking into job options. As I looked around for available jobs that I was qualified for, we also considered our child care options and what would be conducive to our needs: a nanny or nanny share would work, but day care would not, etc. As we crunched numbers, we realized real fast, that we cannot afford to put me to work! So I moped and bitched a little to some friends, and lo and bohold, my bitching actually reaped rewards. A friend of mine was looking for a nanny with flexible hours. Since I was only looking for part time work, and I wouldn't need daycare, this was the perfect solution.

About a week later, I get an email from another friend, saying that she heard that I was looking for work, and wants to know if I can drive her son to and from his classes two days a week. They recently had her third child, and needs some assistance. Sure thing, I said! Now I'm rolling in dough. Ha! One can only wish. But the extra cash has been helpful.

Alright, sleepiness just came over me in a wave. Looks like it's time for bed after all. And since I need to be up at 8, I'd better listen. Good night and good night!

Japanese Tea Garden

2008-03-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

*Photos by Emma and Mike.

Windy days in Half Moon Bay

2008-03-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

*Thank you Emma's wonderful camera for taking such beautiful pics.

Trek into SF

2008-03-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

The family is visiting. We spent the day in San Francisco via BART. The day was really great, but so much walking! We toured Union Square for a bit and then walked about 5 blocks off course to look for a place to eat. Experience has told us that the touristy area is nothing but over priced and under good. I knew of an awesome Chinese restaurant, but we were unable to find it. It would have been sad, but we came upon an excellent Indonesian place. Emma and I had never had Indonesian food before, so we were very intrigued. The food was fabulous: great quality and not too greasy. Here are some beautiful shots taken by Emma's camera.

Did you lose a book, maybe?

2008-03-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

March it is. And a busy time for us indeed. Today is St Patrick's Day. Of course I am wearing green. If for no other reason than I am not asking to be pinched by a stranger for not! Mike's dad is in town from France. He bought a one way ticket, unsure of the length of his stay, but we are hoping to keep him through the week. And Emma arrived via train, from Sac, this evening as well. Just as soon as I get through my hump of busyness, we will be sure to have a glorious week!

As we were leaving to pick up Emma from the BART station, Mike came home, asking if we knew about the heap of trash piled up outside our front door. Of course we didn't, so we went to have a peek. From the looks of the note, the recycled bins had been overfilled and our neighbors, who hate us for no other reason than they like to hate on renters and we rent, blamed the entire atrocity on us. They pulled out all the garbage that 'could' be ours, mailing boxes with our address on it for example, and piled it up outside our door. The whole situation is an even mixture of insult and pure comedy. You see, half of the trash that they piled up, did not even belong to us. They read a lid on an old moving box that was labeled "Kristina's books" that I had put in there, and assumed that these twenty or so books belonged to us and lugged them all up two flights of stairs to dump at our door.

Here's how we responded to the situation. Only time will tell how long it will take for the pile to disappear. Either these books will be taken away by our delightful neighbor who brought them up, their rightful owner will recognize them and take them away, or we will learn to enjoy a the sights of a nice pile of books for the duration of our stay in this wonderful wonderful condo.

We were thinking of adding an 'Accepting Donations to Fund Our Moving Expenses' box, but thought that that might give them false hope that we were actually moving out. We don't want to be cruel now, do we? ;)

More boob talk, because really, it's what we talk about most.

2008-03-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Téa turned to me in the car yesterday and said, "I don't want the baby to have Sidey. I want the baby to drink from a bottle."

Of course I responded with, "Why? Do you not want to share your Sidey?"

And she surprised me with, "No, I don't want the baby to have Sidey because babies aren't supposed to drink Sidey. They are supposed to drink from bottles."

This is coming from my nearly three and a half year old who STILL nurses many times a day, including morning and evening and STILL wakes a few nights a week endlessly crying for my boob even though I night weaned her two months ago.

So I asked her, "Would YOU rather have a bottle than Sidey?"

And she said, "Yes, but you need to put your milk in it."

But of course the moment we walked in the front door, she was all up my shirt, looking to pull out some Sidey, and get cozy.

Oh my daughter. I can see an obsession with rules and doing things they way they ought to be done, coming on, even when her heart tells her otherwise. Let's just pray she doesn't become a heartless conservative!

Bad news.

2008-03-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

In order to keep my motivation going about this blog, I often imagine that I have hundreds, thousands, of readers that wait in anticipation for my weekly, bimonthly, post. And even though I am aware that the number of those who remain dedicated is trickling down, I feel it my honorable duty to remain committed.

After my pregnancy announcement, I feel obligated to share the unfortunate news of my miscarriage. This is something so deep and personal that it usually remains a secret. And part of my healing process was becoming aware of how common and natural it really is. So in a 'pay it forward' way, I'd like to share my story in order to help others move past the stigma of a miscarriage.

We've all read that in our mother's generation nobody spoke of breastfeeding, and in our grandmother's generation nobody spoke of breast cancer, and in our great grandmother's generation childbirth was a segregated act. I really thought that nothing was kept a secret anymore, but when I made my announcement to my daughter's co-op that I was going through a miscarriage and may need to adjust the schedule, nearly everyone responded with, "Thank you so much for choosing to share this with us." I wasn't aware I had made a choice.

When I first came home from the ultra sound appointment, where I heard the news that there was no heartbeat and they suspected the baby had stopped growing two weeks before, I found very little practical advice online. At first I was in a bit of shock, which progressed to self blame and horror, and then acceptance. I'm not sure what the stages of grief are, but being that this is a feeling different than anything else, I suppose I didn't progress the traditional way. Feeling both the grief and the relief that this ended itself now when something was clearly wrong, mixed together with a multivitamin of hormones, makes for an emotional week. I struggled with the physical changes much more than the emotional. I like to think this is because I have a clear head about such things, but maybe I just delude myself because it's easier. Sometimes it's hard to tell. But I feel that there is something very surreal about a 6 week old baby. And since my pregnancy symptoms started to reverse themselves even before I went to my ultrasound appointment, I was able to nod my head and think that this actually makes sense when the news was sprung.

Physically, I reacted a little differently. I immediately looked at my behavior and thought about what I could have done to cause this. And when I came home to research miscarriages, I saw that the behaviors listed that could do such a thing, were not ones that I participated in. My Dr confirmed this telling me that 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage! And having a miscarriage does not increase your chances of future miscarriages or future pregnancies with birth defects. This news alone decreased my stress immensely. I was then able to accept what was happening with a clear mind and move forward.

Then came the time to wait. It had already been close to 3 weeks since my baby stopped growing. I was 10 weeks now, and I had a 7 week old baby inside me. This concept was very hard to grasp. My pregnancy symptoms were reversing yet my body had not recognized this and was not trying to expel the pregnancy. Every cramp and ache during pregnancy is looked at with a warm glowing affection. But every cramp and ache I had gave me chills. And my discomfort was increasing daily. My Dr gave me my options of expelling this naturally or choosing to schedule a D&C procedure. For whatever reasons, I chose to move forward with the D&C. I think I just wanted this to be over more than anything.

The procedure was split in two parts. On day one I had to come in to have a Laminaria inserted into my cervix. This is a seaweed stick that increases in size when it absorbs moisture. Of course this was meant to dilate me. It took dilating tools, two seaweed sticks (one broke in half), and two Drs to get this thing inside me. All the cramping and pain and I didn't even think to take an Advil before this began. I lay shaking for quite a few moments before I was able to drive home. I sat down in the Walgreens waiting for my prescription and Téa spent the evening watching movie after movie while I lay motionless on the couch. Oh the fun. And they said this part was going to be easy.

Day two. I popped a Tylenol with Codeine and a Valium an hour before the procedure. I had never had Valium before and, wow, I could get used to that feeling. I'd like to get myself a prescription of those! At the Dr's, feet in stirrups, I had an allergic reaction to the Demerol. Unfortunately they had no other options. So after a quick discussion about how the local anesthetic may or may not work, on we went. This procedure had to have been one of the most intense, painful experiences of my life. And this is no exaggeration. In fact because my entire body became numb and tingly, I believe I had entered a new level of pain. We've all read about it, these natural endorphins. The feeling is not pleasant and makes you want to hurl, but with the deep breathing, there was an effect of some sort. A feeling of control. Anyways, when it was all over, they asked me if they could bring my husband in, and I whimpered, "No!!" so they turned off the lights and left me with my own thoughts. My own breath. Shaking, curled in the fetal position. But it was over. And Mike came in shortly after. And shortly after that I walked out of the office, into the car, and came home. We put a movie on, and I fell asleep.

There is a part of me that wants to get pregnant right now! Tonight! Even though sex is still prohibited. There is a part of me that wants to get pregnant in one year. And there is a part of me that never wants to get pregnant again. And when my mind gets too frantic or worked up about it, I just settle on one year which seems to be the most practical. I seem to be able to center myself that way.

Having children is such a huge decision. In a way, it was easier to deal with the pregnancy, unplanned of course, since we had no choice about it. But when there are options, and pros and cons, and decisions, and plans that cannot be done with more kids and plans that can only be done with more kids, it gets very complicated, very quickly. And now that I was pregnant and very excited about it, it's even harder to make these decisions now than before I got pregnant at all! It would be so simple if I was just that kind of person who wanted a handful of kids from the beginning. Instead I am just lost in my thoughts of "What ifs", which is a really bad place to be.

And so we are left with Téa, who still believes that I have a baby in my tummy. After our explanation, she left with an understanding that her baby brother or sister does not want to come out. The baby is happy in there and is going to stay until Téa is four. She openly states that she is sad. That makes me sad. And that makes me want to give Téa her brother or sister.

I guess only time will tell. In the same way that only time will heal.

#16 “Gifted” Children

2008-02-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

Meet my newfound addiction. The more I read, the more white I feel. God this is so stereotypical and embarrassingly true! I too have over 20 kinds of tea in my cupboard, love to dine at ethnic restaurants, and find the farmer's market vegetables of a higher quality than the Safeway variety. But this one in particular hits a topic that no one wants to talk about and had me on the floor laughing. Trust me, as a white parent, in an affluent society, this holds a ridiculous amount of truth.

"White people love “gifted” children, do you know why? Because an astounding 100% of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?

This is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain white person acceptance. If you see their kid playing peacefully, you say “oh, he/she seems very focused, are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say “yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at their mother, you say “my he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply “oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more."

Read More.

As one commenter said, "I was considered “gifted” until I was later found to be “emotionally handicapped”. That pretty much evened things out, though I did become “artistically inclined” in the process."

Tru dat double true

It's official. Now all I can do is wait.

2008-02-26T23:19:00.001-08:00

Coachella!

2008-02-24T14:45:00.000-08:00

I am bidding on tickets RIGHT NOW! And it seems that I won. Off to Indio we come.....

Let me know if you will be joining us. We will be there on the Saturday.

She really got me.. embarrassed.

2008-02-22T16:58:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you discuss EVERYTHING with your very astute three year old daughter.

The scene: Dr's office waiting room.

Téa: Did you know? Man's have penises? And ladies have vaginas? And man's can't have babies because babies are too big to fit through man's penises?

We discuss anatomy! But I NEVER told her WHY a man can't have a baby.

The power of critical thinking!

The rumors are TRUE!

2008-02-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

Thank You Miss M!! (Bow bow, curtsy curtsy.)

I guess word on the street is, I'm pregnant. Again. We like things to be a surprise around here. Anything planned would just be too.. predictable. As you can tell from my previous post, life has been fairly drab lately, so we decided to hold off sharing the news until we were back to feeling our normal chirpy selves! And for the most part, we are back to health.

We shared the news with Téa yesterday and her reaction was expectantly calm. Mike asked her if she would like to have a brother or a sister, and she said that she would like a sister. I wasn't sure if she really understood until Mike told her that I had a baby in my tummy. Then her eyes shone and she asked to look at it. We had to explain to her that my tummy was small now, but would grow very big. We have a lot of pregnant friends right now, so she understands that as much.

I'm still feeling fairly anxious about how she will be dealing with this in the future. I know that lots of talking is still not the same as a real life baby. Téa is very territorial with me and still nurses quite frequently for a three year old. Many times a day even. So you can imagine my surprise when she asked me this last night.

Téa: Will my sister drink from those? (She pointed to my boobs.)

Kristina: Yes she will. Would you like to share your Sidey with her?

Téa: Hmmm... (deep pause) OK.

Maybe this won't be so hard after all.

miserable January

2008-02-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

I really thought we had escaped the cold season strong and healthy, but sometime in mid January Altea and I were exposed to a killer of a cold. It's been two weeks now and I am still completely and utterly miserable. Most of my senses have become useless. I can no longer hear, taste, or smell anything. And my eyes are so watery, I'm just waiting for those to go out too. I'm fairly confident this cold has turned into a sinus infection and an ear infection, although I refuse to go to the Dr. I'm sitting here with cotton balls in my ears keeping the garlic oil and mullein drops from spilling out. Word is, I smell quite savory, but not good for sexi times. I've also been running salt water through my sinuses trying to clean out the evil doer that has happily made a home up behind my eyes. Ever heard of the neti pot? At least this seems to temporarily relieve some of that tension. Basically I feel high. As high as a kite, only not in that blissful way that people pay good money for.

Altea's also been sick. Her cold caused her to suffer from her first ear infection, which the Dr diagnosed as severe and prescribed antibiotics for. I'm not sure if medicine truly scares her or if she is so strong willed that anything she is forced to do causes extreme resistance, but the fits that have resulted from this medicine is something else. Running, screaming, kicking, hitting, and 20 minutes later I have her practically tied down. This has not been fun for either of us. And we have been really focusing on the countdown until when we can throw this bottle in the trash.

So with us being out of commission like we are, we've skipped school, renewed our library books online, and have spent many long hours reading and playing in bed. While these lazy days have been nice, what I would do to be able to taste my food again. Especially the good food. Texture alone is quite odd.

Roller Coaster: a rainy day activity

2008-01-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

And this is the day we pissed off the neighbors.

Holidaiz (revisited)

2008-01-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

Thanx Emma's phone.

taking the law into her own hands

2008-01-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Téa: Mama! Mama! Stop the car.

Kristina: Why?

Téa: I need to give that person a parking ticket.

Kristina: And why would you want to do that?

Téa: Because I'm a parking ticket lady.

Although I didn't stop the car; I did go home and conjure up an official parking lady uniform.

Here she is giving Mike a parking ticket.

A few moments later, she gave one to me.

Téa: Say, "Will you tell my parents?

Kristina: Will you tell my parents?

Téa: Yes I am.

Kristina: (Looking crestfallen) Oh.

Then Mike pipes in and scolds me for sending the message that telling the parents would be a bad thing. What an evening this turned out to be. I was given a parking ticket, tattled on to my parents, and then scolded by my husband in all a matter of 2 minutes.

Téa: That will be $60.

the simplicity of a Christmas spent at home

2007-12-26T23:22:00.000-08:00

some sort of magical spirit

2007-12-24T11:51:00.000-08:00

We're choosing to stay home for Christmas this year. It will be a first time for me, not spending it with my parents, and it feels pretty good. We're also opting out of presents, for adults anyways. And our budget thinks that feels pretty good too! My family still wanted to get Téa some Christmas gifts, so we got together last week for a small gift giving party in Sacramento. 'Tis was nice. And my dad made rum balls. Those were exceptionally nice.

Now that Christmas Eve is upon us, we will spend these up and coming days in a peaceful state, with a roasted chicken, potatoes, maybe some candles, wine, music, and of course, our small family.

Marry Christmas darlings!

Holiday Parteeeeeeee!

2007-12-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

Our preferred couple of the year, M and B, brought our holiday season to a peak last night with an Xmas Party. They moved a few months ago and since we hadn't checked out the new place, this was a housewarming, holiday style. And fancy it was. Slinky black dresses, suits and ties for the men, and a few under dressed who didn't get the email I suppose. (Poor Jason and Mike.)

There was wine, hor’dourves, holiday decor, presents, music, more wine, and friends. The atmosphere was majestic with the flickering candles and the luminous tree. Unfortunately, my camera doesn't function well in these dimly lit conditions. Either the pictures came out too dark, with no respect for the gentle glow that was filtered throughout, or the flash brightened out any chance of capturing the true ambiance.

All is well though, when we will always have our memories to revisit. Happy Holidays!